S1E10: Ally Makes a Friend and It Is in no Way Offensive or Dated

(Lead Counsel: Zeke)

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OK guys, let’s rap. Hang on while I sit backwards in a chair and roll my sleeves up. This episode is called “Boy to the World.” In it, Ally befriends a transwoman prostitute. So strap yourselves in as a bunch of ostensibly well-meaning straight people in 1997 try to say some enlightened shit about gender identity. Oh, and they’re also going to screw up the technical legal stuff worse than any episode to date. It’s about to get real up in here.

We begin with VONDA singing about mistletoe. Why? Because it’s Christmas, everybody, and this show is not going to let you off easy with a “Happy Holidays.” Ally is decorating her apartment while talking about how much she loves Christmas, then manages to fall into her Christmas tree. Renee rescues her, then chides her for putting the tree up too early in the season. They talk about Ally’s relationship with somebody who I assume is the Rabbi, but really could be anyone. (K: No it’s not, as far as I can deduce it’s Jason, seeing as they call him both “Dip-Chin” and “Thousand Island Face”, but I can’t blame you for missing it seeing as they haven’t mentioned him in five episodes.) Ally whines that he’s too whitebread and that she has “the ick” with him. I have no idea what she’s talking about. Then the doorbell rings and there are a bunch of carolers outside. They sing (K: morosely, something about “Christmas tears” that I’ve never heard before. Also there’s an accordion). Ally and Renee continue to confer about men. Renee expresses interest in Cage and talks about maybe a double date. Caroling continues, Renee looks like she’s ready to join the War on Christmas, and we get credits. Continue reading “S1E10: Ally Makes a Friend and It Is in no Way Offensive or Dated”

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S1E9: We’re All Screwed Now

(Lead Counsel: Katie)

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Previously: Hot Mailroom Girl was hot, Elaine was mad and filed a complaint (Z: oh no. Not again).

At the apartment, Ally watches Whatever Happened to Baby Jane until Renee startles her out of her movie trance during a tense scene. When Renee puts down Ally’s choice of movie, Ally gets snotty about The Sound of Music. We find out she has a grudge against the movie’s star actress because in high school she was voted “Most Likely to Become Julie Andrews”, since she’s prudish (Z: to be fair, she did think that 69 was totally gross last episode). This tangents into a discussion about dirty jokes and how if Ally wants more street cred she should tell some. Ally tries to argue she doesn’t know any (come on, everyone does), and cajoles Renee into telling the torso joke (except the show version uses “screwed”, not “fucked”). Ally is disgusted.

Post-credits, Ally has relayed the torso joke to her work chums. Georgia is non-plussed, Billy and Richard are amused. Ally babbles on about how the limbless woman probably couldn’t go to prom or have any happiness, and Georgia DOES think that Ally’s over-empathetic worrying is funny. Hot Mailroom Girl enters with some certified mail for Richard. He’s pleased with how his sexy sexy morning is going until it turns out that the certified mail is a complaint from HMG, because THIS PLOTLINE WILL NOT END (Z: I hope you don’t need me to help recap today, because when this plotline came back, I died. I’m a ghost now). Only this time, she’s suing the women of the firm for being hostile. They discuss whether this is legit– “Same sex harassment, that means gay harassment?” Billy asks. Oh you sweet summer child. Continue reading “S1E9: We’re All Screwed Now”

S1E8: Coffee Orgasms & Sexual Harassment

(Lead Counsel: Zeke)

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Calamity has struck Cage & FIsh: the coffee maker isn’t working. Ally and Georgia stand around, stare at the tragically broken coffee maker, and complain about it until Richard walks in and starts telling them about this week’s case. It’s a divorce proceeding, their potential client is Mrs. Hatfield, the wife of a rich man who signed…oh, wait, did you want to get to the plot? Sorry, but instead Billy returns with Starbucks in hand, so Georgia and Ally brush off their boss to go slurp down that sweet caffeine nectar. Or they would, but because this show just wants to do anything other than get on with the plot, Ally stops Georgia before she can drink her coffee. She drags her to another room together, and starts talking to her about how men make love to them vs. how they wish men would make love to them (K: including a shot about how married sex = dead bedroom). Ally tells Georgia she was about to wham bam thank you ma’am her coffee, and that instead she should take some time with it, make some love, etc.

Then she starts using her best phone sex voice, the camera zooms in uncomfortably on Ally and Georgia’s mouths, and we get the softest of soft-core porn scenes as these two women drink coffee. Seriously, I was watching with subtitles and they read “moaning continues” at one point. Richard and Billy creepily watch this through an ajar door and I guess just have the hugest boners. What is even happening?  After what feels like a multi-hour session of tantric coffee drinking, but is actually 3 minutes and thirty seconds, VONDA finally starts up and the episode begins. (K: Even after all that, I’m pretty sure it was still hot enough to sear their tongues if they’re gonna gulp it down now) Continue reading “S1E8: Coffee Orgasms & Sexual Harassment”

S1E7: Down the Rabbi Hole

(Lead Counsel: Katie)

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Previously: Ally’s only potential dates are male attorneys. The male attorneys she works with are terrible. Ally bothers everyone else with her romantic life.

At the courthouse, Ally points out a cute D.A. that she wants Renee to introduce her to, and maneuvers the elevator so she manages to run into the guy, whose name is Jason. He knows who she is—he’s seen her in court (and he LIKES her because of that?). They commiserate about how it’s hard to meet people, and Renee hops off the elevator. The Jeopardy theme plays in the background while neither of them talk to the other. But at the last minute, Jason asks Ally out. SUCCESS! He promises to call her, but I don’t think he has her number? VONDA sings my questions away.

Post-credits, Richard interrupts Elaine and Ally’s girl talk to tell them that they have a new case: a woman wants to sue her rabbi (Z: That sounds odd, but I’m sure this show will make it make sense somehow. Right? Right?). Continue reading “S1E7: Down the Rabbi Hole”

S1E6: Take My Breath Away

(Lead Counsel: Zeke)

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Like last week, we start with a previously on that doesn’t make much sense at the time. Apparently we need to be reminded that Ally is unhappy with her love life and that she dated that Ronny guy. Once that’s done with, we find Ally in her apartment with Renee. Ally bought a piano and wants to take lessons again. When Renee asks her to play something, they wind up doing an impromptu duet to some song from The Music Man (K: Goodnight My Someone). Ally does not sing well. They realize that the song is a sad one about somebody who has yet to meet their true love. Ally has a sad, and it’s time for VONDA and the opening credits.

Jump to the office, where Ally is walking and talking to Richard about business very quickly. Apparently Ally is representing an ice cream store in a suit against another ice cream store and needs to be in court that day to ask for an injunction. She is warned about opposing counsel, who is apparently very fat, and for some reason this means that judges let him make arguments while walking into the courtroom and walking out, which somehow gives him lawyer superpowers or something. Also, the firm has just picked up another client who has been charged with prostitution. The trial is scheduled for today, so Ally gets to ask for more time since she’ll be in court anyway, and Cage gets to try the case because he already knows all about prostitutes. Then the whole scene grinds to a halt because there’s a hot woman in the office and Richard and Billy have to gawk at her. They have a little battle of the sexes thing with Ally and Elaine, all men are pigs, yadda yadda yadda. (K: Yeah, the guys are being Neanderthals, but then Elaine tells Ally not to worry because “in time gravity will get to her”, so everyone is pretty gross in this scene.) Continue reading “S1E6: Take My Breath Away”

S1E5: Contraceptive Jelly on Trial

(Lead Counsel: Katie)

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This episode is called “One Hundred Tears Away” (Z: I just…oh no), so you know it’s gonna be good.

Ally is grocery shopping. She gets in an argument with a woman about the last can of Pringles. To be fair, this other lady is a total bitch (she says she “has trouble with ridges”). Pringles Bitch makes the conflict about female beauty and is generally nasty, so I don’t feel too bad when Ally trips her into a stack of canola oil. Ally, however, looks worried.

Post credits, Pringles Bitch is being wheeled out (still conscious) on a stretcher. Renee comes in (new fact: she works as a deputy D.A.) and tries to help as Ally is arrested.

At the police station, Ally gets her mug shot taken, but before she and Renee can leave, Ally gets called back in. She’s told that they’re adding shoplifting charges for the “contraceptive jelly” she had in her pocket. Do you like the phrase “contraceptive jelly”? I hope so, because they use it a lot this episode. Continue reading “S1E5: Contraceptive Jelly on Trial”

S1E4: Le Petit Mort

(Lead Counsel: Zeke)

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Ally is confused and disgusted. Apparently this is because Elaine is wearing something called a face bra, which consists of a bunch of gauze or bandages or whatever wrapped all around her face? It’s her new entrepreneurial scheme (?) which supposedly reduces the formation of wrinkles or something (K: jogging makes your skin sag, you see). Ally thinks it’s dumb, but then if this were 2016 and not 1997, it’d be a juice cleanse and both of them would be way into it. Anyhoo, I guess this episode is going to be about something. Let’s find out what it is. Richard barges in to tell Ally that a professor they both had in law school just died. We cut to the first of very, very many sepia toned flashbacks in which Ally is making out with this dude. You see, Ally had an affair with him while in law school, but now his wife wants Ally to come to his funeral and give a eulogy. I bet that’ll result in some hilarious hijinks. So Ally freaks out and it’s time for VONDA and the opening credits.

Back at the office, Ronny is talking to Ally about how they should go on a trip together to Maine. This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode about trips being relationship pressure cookers, and I pine for a different TV viewing experience. While stupid Ronny is running his mouth about whatever, Ally is having lots of sepia toned flashbacks of her time with the professor (K: images of bad hair and bad decisions) and having the feels. Apparently she gave him a crystal ball for a gift, which I can only assume is because she’s a seer who has been sent back from a dark future to guide the strands of fate away from disaster. Because if that’s not the case, who the fuck wants a crystal ball as a gift?

Continue reading “S1E4: Le Petit Mort”

S1E3: It’s in his Dis

(Lead Counsel: Katie)

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BUTTS!

One denim-clad butt, at least. Elaine is advising Ally on jeans options, which she’s modeling by standing on top of her desk. Georgia enters. Wait, how far away does she actually work? Why is she always here? Oh, but this time there’s actually a reason: Georgia wants Ally’s help representing Barbara Cooker, an anchorwoman, on a sex discrimination case. Ally is as shocked as I am. Jack Billings (remember him?) is representing the station, so Georgia figures Ally might have some inside strategies to contribute.

They have to run this by Richard first, who is afraid of catfights because women, right? Weirdly, Ally claims that they’re “friends”, which, when did that happen? Wasn’t it “I really hate you” two episodes ago? Billy passes by, catching sight of the cooperation. He is… hesitant.

VONDA!

Watching the credits, I will say that Ally has not worn any more scarves so far, which is at least one good life choice she’s making.

After convincing Billy that this is a good idea (Z: Billy doesn’t like that Ally is being put on a case right before it goes to trial, because she won’t be prepared enough to do a good job. That would be an excellent point, except we already had Ally do this in the pilot and nobody cared, so I call shenanigans), Ally is discussing the co-counsel issue with Renee. Renee is just hanging out in Ally’s office because nobody outside of C&F goes to their actual job in this show. Part of Ally’s deliberation: if she’s in court for the next few days, she’ll miss her date with Ronny! And she can’t call HIM to reschedule! That’s rule #5! Ohhhh, she’s been reading The Rules. This is a) a book that actually exists, and b) exactly as bad as they describe it in the show. (Z: How did it take me this long to realize that this is exactly the same as the whole pick-up artist community’s schtick?)

Continue reading “S1E3: It’s in his Dis”

S1E2: We Hear the Word “Wattle” for the First Time and Immediately Regret Our Choices

(Lead Counsel: Zeke)

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This week begins with Ally in bed, only to be woken up by a phone call. It’s Richard, and she has to come work on a case. I wonder though, if Richard didn’t call, was she just going to sleep all day? Does she do even less work between episodes than during episodes? Who knows. Anyway, she gets to the office and we meet John Cage, the other partner at Cage & Fish. John is Ally’s work assignment, because he got caught with a prostitute. Everybody is worked up about which judge they got, but nobody explains anything to Ally except Elaine, and when Elaine tells Ally things, that’s because she’s terrible. Oh, and also Richard wants Ally to go to a dinner meeting with clients. (K: “I’m not good at landing accounts”, she argues, because lawyers don’t usually need to do that.) Ally really wanted to sleep all day instead of lawyering at all, so she goes in a closet and screams about it. Cue credits and VONDA.

We rejoin Ally as she walks to the courthouse and the background music briefly pretends we’re watching Law & Order. Ally says she doesn’t like criminal work, but I’m pretty sure she just doesn’t like work at all. At the arraignment, Billy walks in and starts taking control of everything. They talk to the judge. (K: who looks like a human raisin) He gets all weird and wants to see Ally’s teeth, and then their client/boss is immediately given probation and no other punishment. (K: Billy defends Ally’s honor by assuring the judge she’s a good lawyer, but I have yet to see evidence of this.) Hooray! Walking back, Billy tells Ally that the judge doesn’t like to be harsh on “consensual sex offenders.” Are you ready to hear about prostitution and sexual morality, by the way? Because the show is ready to talk about it. Anyway, they run into Georgia on the way back to the firm, there’s an awkward conversation (K: Billy and Georgia are picking out fabric, so Ally mentally inserts the “Leave it to Beaver” theme in the background because she’s desperate and jealous), and Ally heads back to work. Continue reading “S1E2: We Hear the Word “Wattle” for the First Time and Immediately Regret Our Choices”