S1E2: We Hear the Word “Wattle” for the First Time and Immediately Regret Our Choices

(Lead Counsel: Zeke)

s1e2 grab

This week begins with Ally in bed, only to be woken up by a phone call. It’s Richard, and she has to come work on a case. I wonder though, if Richard didn’t call, was she just going to sleep all day? Does she do even less work between episodes than during episodes? Who knows. Anyway, she gets to the office and we meet John Cage, the other partner at Cage & Fish. John is Ally’s work assignment, because he got caught with a prostitute. Everybody is worked up about which judge they got, but nobody explains anything to Ally except Elaine, and when Elaine tells Ally things, that’s because she’s terrible. Oh, and also Richard wants Ally to go to a dinner meeting with clients. (K: “I’m not good at landing accounts”, she argues, because lawyers don’t usually need to do that.) Ally really wanted to sleep all day instead of lawyering at all, so she goes in a closet and screams about it. Cue credits and VONDA.

We rejoin Ally as she walks to the courthouse and the background music briefly pretends we’re watching Law & Order. Ally says she doesn’t like criminal work, but I’m pretty sure she just doesn’t like work at all. At the arraignment, Billy walks in and starts taking control of everything. They talk to the judge. (K: who looks like a human raisin) He gets all weird and wants to see Ally’s teeth, and then their client/boss is immediately given probation and no other punishment. (K: Billy defends Ally’s honor by assuring the judge she’s a good lawyer, but I have yet to see evidence of this.) Hooray! Walking back, Billy tells Ally that the judge doesn’t like to be harsh on “consensual sex offenders.” Are you ready to hear about prostitution and sexual morality, by the way? Because the show is ready to talk about it. Anyway, they run into Georgia on the way back to the firm, there’s an awkward conversation (K: Billy and Georgia are picking out fabric, so Ally mentally inserts the “Leave it to Beaver” theme in the background because she’s desperate and jealous), and Ally heads back to work.

Later that day, we find Ally and Richard at the dinner client meeting with a woman named Whipper, because reasons, and a male person named Ronny. Turns out Whipper and Richard are an item, and apparently this is a surprise double date. Ally is unhappy. (K: Despite the fact that the client/male person she’s been paired with is Jimmy Cooper from The OC, aka Joshua from Friends.) Whipper declares that she is in favor of legal prostitution; it’s no different than a woman sleeping with a man because he buys her jewelry and such. Ronny asks Ally if she’s ever used her sex appeal to get ahead professionally. Ally feels awkward, is unhappy. Ally insults Richard, goes to the bathroom or something, and sees Whipper and Ronny making out. Oh no! Ally feels very awkward, is very unhappy. She doesn’t know whether or not to tell Richard, so at home afterwards she consults Renee. Renee tells Ally that if she doesn’t have the balls to tell Richard herself, she should “get some other busybody to help do your work.”

Jump cut to Elaine. (K: That’s what she’s for!) Ally tries to get Elaine to tell Richard for her, but Elaine is suspicious. Elaine observes that Ally is usually terrible to her for no reason. Good point, Elaine! Ally observes that Elaine did ask her about her menstrual cycle. Good point, Ally! While Ally is trying to talk all around the issue, Elaine lets on (because remember, she’s also a terrible gossip) that Billy and the raisin judge from the hearing both had sex with a prostitute at Billy’s bachelor party.

Anyway, Ally is all upset about this revelation re: Billy (K: for some godforsaken reason), so she goes to confront him. They argue, he says that basically it’s no big deal when men sleep around but it is a big deal when women sleep around. This is because women don’t “have the same sex drive thing,” and also boners make men stupid but feelings make women stupid. (K: he actually points at body parts to demonstrate this) Yikes. Ally, what with those feelings making her stupid, wonders if Billy would have cheated on her with a prostitute if he had been about to marry Ally. Yes, Ally and Georgia, this scene proves that it is totally reasonable to be in a big fight over this dude. (K: You forgot about the part where he says, “Ally, if I cheat, I’d lie about it. Wouldn’t I?” Such a catch.)

After the seminar on gender roles, Richard and Ronny, the potential client/Mr. Kissypants, barge in. Richard tells Ally to go meet with Mr. Kissypants (about business! Totally about business!) at a bar that evening. Ally grouchily agrees, but then has to cut to a scene of her in the shower, wondering via voiceover if she’s whoring herself out (or as she puts it “being unfaithful to love itself”). (K: She somehow had time to go home and take a soul-cleansing shower before 6 pm?)

At the bar, Ronny Kissypants is concerned about the moral fiber of Cage & Fish, and Ally confronts him about kissing Whipper. They start pontificating about sexual morality and stuff. It turns out Ronny is totally not ok with prostitution, and this opinion gets Ally totally hot for him. (K: I’m fine with any dude who can convince her to stop obsessing over Billy.) They walk home, accompanied by voiceover about how much Ally is digging this dude. He kisses her lightly goodnight, and the music remembers how sappy it wants to be. (Strangely, there has been no VONDA since the opening credits.)

Ally consults Renee about Ronny later. This scene isn’t very important, but Ally does say “I saw a piece of cute meat and I said ‘you only live once, be a man.” So that happened.

We cut back to the office, where they are day drinking again, since Kissypants is going to be a client. Ally is all uncomfortable about this, and tells Richard in private that they shouldn’t take the client because Whipper was kissing Kissypants. Richard is in denial, then sad. Turns out he does have feelings. He grabs a bottle, and Ally leaves to have a debate about honesty in relationships with Billy in the bathroom. Billy says Ally did the right thing, which has him thinking that he should tell Georgia about The Hooker. Ally is not so sure.

After a quick catch-up session with Elaine, Ally leaves to go confront Whipper about how much of a whore she is or something. Oh, and also Whipper is a judge. Ally is shocked. (“Even people we call ‘Your Honor’ don’t have honor anymore”, she comments.) What hath God wrought? We get a taste of VONDA as she walks over, and then Ally gets all righteous about how judges shouldn’t be total sluts and whatnot. She hurt Richard’s feelings! And of course, whore that she is, Whipper has the nerve to get mad at this lecturing stranger that’s all up in her business.

Back at the firm, Ally is talking to Richard about The Right Honorable Judge Sluttywhipper. Then the show decides to pile all of the things into the scene. Ronny/Kissypants shows up and Ally tells him he can’t be their client, and by implication, her boy toy. She immediately regrets it, but can’t follow him because Georgia is there all of a sudden. (K: WHY.) (Z: Because lawyers don’t actually do any work in this universe. Elaine takes care of everything. It was this or day drinking.) She wants to bury the hatchet, but is interrupted by Cage.

Apparently, he needs to tell the whole firm in a big speech that he solicits prostitutes because it’s more respectful of women than picking them up at a bar, which he could totally do if he wanted. He whines about working so much and says something about people with vulnerable hearts. (K: “It’s not easy to be a single working man in this world”, he says. Cry me a river.) Ally is not happy. But before Ally and Georgia can have their catfight lunch, Billy comes in and tells Georgia he needs to confess something. (K: I have odds on Ally following them to his office.)

Ally panics, follows them to his office (K: called it!), and interrupts with some dumb story about Georgia’s thighs before Billy can spill the beans. Ally and Billy retreat to the bathroom to argue about this, and then it’s off to…somewhere for the Ally/Georgia lunch.

It turns out Georgia also thinks that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, and talks about how she can’t get into anonymous sex or sexual fantasies. To prove a point, she propositions some random guy at the next table. He’s DTF, and then is disappointed when Georgia takes it all back and challenges Ally to pull the same stunt. (K: I have odds on Ally somehow screwing this up.) Ally thinks Georgia is being a total whore and calls her curvy, but agrees. Oh, and oops, it turns out the random dude she picks is someone she kind of knows. (K: called it!) Poor Ally; these things wouldn’t happen in the age of Tindr.

We then return to the office so that Ally and Billy can watch Richard and Whipper talk about their relationship in the bathroom. Whipper says she kissed Kissypants because she’s such an old hag that she can’t turn down male sexual attention, and Ally keeps butting in to throw shade. Billy, totally disinterested person that he is, says people deserve second chances after “indiscretions”. But in between talking about how much of a whore Whipper is, Ally realizes that she and Richard really love each other and that she needs to make this right.

Ally talks to Richard privately (K: after closing the door in Billy’s face, because he followed her to Richard’s office, because he is awful) and learns that he likes older women for their wattles, then tells him that sometimes there aren’t more fish in the sea, sometimes there is only one fish out there. And of course Ally would think that, because she dated THE SAME PERSON all the way through high school, college, and the first year of law school, then broke up with him and is still unable to think seriously about other men. So yeah, good source of romantic advice, Richard.

Ally then has another awkward conversation with her other boss about how he isn’t getting any (you know, I think that might explain the prostitutes). Ally feels slightly bad for being so judgy earlier.

So then Richard and Whipper make up by banging in the bathroom with some proto-wattle foreplay, and Ally and Billy talk about why Ally pushed them back together again. Ally tells Billy that she needs to believe in a thing called love. Ronny shows up and asks Ally out (K: Ronny, Ally, Billy, why is everyone named like it’s the second grade?), and she reluctantly agrees.

Cut to The Bar. VONDA sings (live!), Allie muses about love and relationships and honesty (K: “Maybe it’s because they say love is about compromise. That way they can get themselves into compromising situations and call it research.” She is worse than Carrie Bradshaw.), and then gets up to dance with those weird twins from the pilot. The End.

Edited slightly because we are new at this.



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