(Lead Counsel: Katie)
Previously: Ally’s only potential dates are male attorneys. The male attorneys she works with are terrible. Ally bothers everyone else with her romantic life.
At the courthouse, Ally points out a cute D.A. that she wants Renee to introduce her to, and maneuvers the elevator so she manages to run into the guy, whose name is Jason. He knows who she is—he’s seen her in court (and he LIKES her because of that?). They commiserate about how it’s hard to meet people, and Renee hops off the elevator. The Jeopardy theme plays in the background while neither of them talk to the other. But at the last minute, Jason asks Ally out. SUCCESS! He promises to call her, but I don’t think he has her number? VONDA sings my questions away.
Post-credits, Richard interrupts Elaine and Ally’s girl talk to tell them that they have a new case: a woman wants to sue her rabbi (Z: That sounds odd, but I’m sure this show will make it make sense somehow. Right? Right?).
At Georgia’s firm (they splurged for a new set!), she’s been called into one of the male partners’ office (Jared, to prevent later confusion). He tells her that his wife is uncomfortable with them working together, since said wife is insecure, and he has to accommodate her feelings. Georgia is being transferred out of the litigation department (Z: Totes illegal). He tries to apologize but Georgia is rightly not having it. Since I’m recapping live here, I’m going to pause and ask Zeke what he thinks is about to happen. Z: My notes about this scene: “I think she’s about to get fired. But I guess maybe promoted? Who knows. Oh, and she’s totally going to wind up at Cage & Fish.”
Ally is meeting with the new client, Mrs. Horowitz, whose ex-husband is in a coma. She’s going to get married in three weeks (“Mistletoe”, says Ally (Z: because apparently she has never met a Jew before in her life)), but since her ex got hit by a bus before everything was finalized and didn’t officially “release” her per the Jewish custom of the get, the rabbi won’t perform the proper religious ceremony to break the marriage. (Z: Woah, really? What with the 1st Amendment and all, Courts are super not allowed to adjudicate disputes over religious law that take place within a religious organization. Ally’s client is perfectly able to get a civil marriage to a new person, but can’t do anything at all about whether or not the Rabbi will give the a religious marriage ceremony. Hiring Ally here is a very creative waste of money on the part of Mrs. Horowitz.)
Georgia is visiting Billy to see if she has a discrimination case. (Z: She absolutely does, with some caveats that will be discussed later.) He wants to consult Cage, and reminds Georgia that not too long ago she wanted Ally transferred away for similar reasons.
Elaine is giving Ally a full facial for a pimple we can’t see. (Z: She is also full of advice about whether or not Ally should go home and change before her date. is this from The Rules too?) Richard comes in to see how the client consult went, and they catch him up that Ally’s going to see the rabbi and then has a date.
Billy and Georgia meet with Cage. He just stands and looks pensive. He finally agrees to a meeting, as long as they prep Georgia’s boss first. Then he acts weird some more.
Ally is at the synagogue, asking the rabbi to “forget about the [get] rule just this once”. The rabbi refuses and Ally gets offended by his tone. Apparently proving Karen’s ex-husband’s intention to give his ex-wife the get won’t work either. Ally is mad and starts chewing the rabbi out (Z: since there’s no reason whatsoever to hire a lawyer here, that’s about all she can do, I guess). He calls her a “bitchy little thing” and asks her to leave. She calls him vicious and threatens to write a letter. Things are pretty het up!
Ally and Renee are catching up over lunch (jeez, I think this is still the same day). Elaine warns them that Karen Horowitz is on her way back. Ally can’t be worried about that though, because her face is blotchy! And she has a date! Richard interrupts her whining to scold her for yelling at the rabbi (Z: Like Lindsay Bluth, she has the JDL on her ass), and she admits she was out of line.
Georgia is talking to Jared again, who is arguing that her keeping her job affects his kids. Wow. He points out that at least he told the truth about why he’s transferring her rather than hiding it or bullshitting, but she is not backing down. She insists he meet with her lawyer.
Ally’s face has gotten blotchier. Elaine comes in with bad news: Karen Horowitz is here; good news: Jason is really interested (Z: We are in full on Middle School mode here, people); and horrendous news: Jason is here! Oh no! Ally can’t see him like this! She opens her door halfway so that it’s covering her pimple (Z: It’s about as convincing as when a movie starts framing things very carefully to hide genitals in a nude scene), confirms the date, and closes the door in his face. Before she can proceed with her dermatological worrying, Karen swoops in.
It seems that she has been banished from the synagogue because of Ally’s terrible behavior towards the rabbi. Ally gets all fluttery and promises to make things right. Karen updates her that her ex died the night before, so she is free to get married again. So now we have this situation where there is no legal action required (Z: well, there never was, but still), but Ally is still involved because… well mostly because she’s not a very good lawyer.
Cage and Jared at Georgia’s firm. Jared proclaims how great a lawyer Georgia is, but Cage is Deeply Troubled. He can’t negotiate in this state, so he’ll have to reschedule.
Georgia fills Billy in on what we just saw at the same time Cage returns. He tells Georgia to think hard about what she really wants.
Ally’s on her date. She’s recapping the rabbi mess quite concisely: “I make all my clients forget about all their troubles by giving them bigger ones.” For some reason Jason is amused by this. (Z: What’s that? You’re a crazy person who is bad at her job? Tell me more, you saucy minx you.) He talks about his career trajectory and then trails off while VONDA croons in the background. Flirting ensues, until he drips salad dressing on his chin, and there’s a literal record scratch. Ally seems way too put off by this, has him fix it, and then he promptly does it again. (Z: Complete with another record scratch!) That’s a deal-breaker, ladies!
Ally tells Renee about the date the next morning. She can no longer think of Jason as anything but “Salad Dressing Face”. Renee scolds her for being too picky, and points out that she could have been creepily maternal by wiping it off for him (this, by Renee’s reckoning, would have been romantic). (Z: Speaking as the resident guy, I declare this officially Not Sexy.) Ally bounces, but not before Renee warns her about being Forever Alone.
Billy/Georgia/Cage meeting. Cage tells Georgia that she can’t keep everything the same like she wants, because now that things are out in the open, the atmosphere would be different even if she stays in litigation. He warns her that if she sues, she’ll get money, but will also become unhireable (my spell check agrees with him that that’s not a real word). His advice is to just start job hunting. (Z: It sucks, but this is pretty good real world advice.) He tells her that her own self interest and fighting for womankind are mutually exclusive in this case. She still wants to sue.
Ally is back at the synagogue, yelling at the rabbi again. She claims she’s trying to be conciliatory, and continues to insult his religious tradition. She quickly apologizes and says she has a habit of saying the wrong thing, managing to insult him again in the process. She explains how her dedication to the concept of True Love makes her irrational. They both start yelling (Z: oh just fuck already!), until all the rabbi can do is laugh. He relents and says that Karen is welcome in the synagogue. “I demand to know why you are pleased with me!” Ally snots.
John is in the unisex bathroom (it’s baaaackk!), prepping for… court, I’m assuming? Stirring music plays in the background (Z: It manages to be Rocky-esque and Shaft-esque without paying for either of those songs). He catches Richard in a stall, trying to observe the pre-game ritual. More stirring music as Cage walks out in slo-mo (Z: And everyone fast talks at him while walking. Oh god, we’re stuck in the Sorkinverse). Ah, he’s just meeting with Jared.
Cage starts his weirdo ritual of pouring some water before legalities commence. He threatens that next time they meet, Jared’s other partners will be there, and Cage won’t go easy on him in front of them. He points out the frivolity of punishing Georgia for his wife’s whims, especially compared to his annual salary and the respect of his colleagues. He can avoid all this embarrassment if he just settles.
Now the rabbi has come to see Ally. I don’t think he actually gets a name in this whole episode. He thinks it’s refreshing that she was so obnoxious to him, instead of tiptoeing around the holy man. He invites her to Karen’s wedding as his date. She turns him down and babbles wildly about her love life. “You could have just said no thank you,” he points out.
Ally retreats to the unisex bathroom, repeating “I don’t have my mental health”. She opens a stall and sits down… on Georgia’s lap. “This’ll probably teach me to lock the door,” Georgia says. WAIT. 1. Who doesn’t lock the stall door?! 2. Ally should ABSOLUTELY have vetted the stalls before having her nervous breakdown in there, especially given all the spying that goes on in there that she’s been witness to. (Z: 3. Georgia should have said or done ANYTHING AT ALL to prevent this, instead of silently watching Ally open the stall door, back slowly into the stall, and sit down on her lap.) Ally has trouble getting up, as she’s literally paralyzed by embarrassment. When she emerges, Billy is out there, because of course he is. “You might think that there’s an explanation, but you would be wrong.” Ally tells him. You got that right.
Cage is practicing bagpipes while Billy and Georgia worry about the coming meeting. (Z: At this point I think the show is turning into some kind of experimental, avant-garde thing that I just don’t understand.)
Ally and Renee are at the courthouse, so Renee can scold Ally about being picky some more. She (Z: literally) pushes Ally into the elevator where Jason is. He tries to flirt, but she WHIMSICALLY imagines his entire face covered in a salad dressing mask. He tries for a second date but she’s ice cold. When he backs off, she goes ahead and full on kisses him. She then feels the need to explain: she had to pre-empt the mental image of Dressing Face, and she has, and he should call her. (Z: what’s to explain? You went out on a date, then you kissed him. Typically one would interpret that to mean that she likes him. And that’s mostly what Ally says, except in a bizarre way that will make him think she’s a crazy person.)
Back at the office, it’s Cage vs. Jared! Georgia interrupts to argue her side, but Jared points out that there are no compensatory damages, only punitive. (Z: Billy spouts some nonsense about emotional damages. Seriously Hollywood, you guys need to learn that emotional damages are much, much harder to get than this.) When he insults her chances at playing the victim as a Pretty Blonde Woman, Georgia and Billy both pretty much lunge at him, and Cage sends them out of the room. (Z: Apparently this was all part of the plan. They want to convince Jared that Billy and Georgia are unreasonable and therefore willing to go to trial even if it’s a bad idea for them.)
Cage compliments Jared on his defensive strategy, and apologizes for his emotional clients. He says that Jared will probably come out looking less than pristine should this go to court, so they should just settle. So… what has all this extra talk been about? Didn’t we figure that out fifteen minutes ago?
Now ALLY has come to see the rabbi! Kids and their crushes, I tell you what. She wants to ask him out, since she takes her dislike for him as a sign of passion or something. She admits directly that she’s going to start taking chances on “Mr. Not Likelys” to increase her chances of finding a soulmate. I’m sure he’s flattered.
Georgia, Richard and Billy are waiting for the results of the meeting. Cage enters to announce that she’ll get $311,000 (apparently amber is the color of their fat stacks). She and Billy are super excited. When Cage brings up that she’s now unemployed, Richard LEAPS to insist that she’ll work at Cage & Fish! (Z: See my rant from the pilot about the state of the legal job market.) Of course! Now there’s a reason for her to be around all the time!
VONDA sings the theme song at The Bar. Most of the main cast has celebratory drinks. Weirdly off in a corner, Ally and Renee drink by themselves, and Ally lays out all her dates for the week. She really needs some hobbies. Georgia comes up to make sure Ally is okay with her working at Cage & Fish, and Ally is surprisingly fine. Everyone heads out to the dance floor, including the Twins. Ally has had an attitude change, and this time it’s going to last… maybe even a week (her words). To be determined, my friend.