*Head Explodes*

(Lead Counsel: Katie)

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Before we start, here are some pertinent facts:

  • I am 28 years old
  • I am a couple of glasses of wine into the evening
  • I read this episode description before watching

Watch your back, McBeal.

At Cage & Fish, Elaine is ushering everyone into Ally’s office. Ally arrives and looks suspicious. Rightly so, as when she enters her office everyone yells “surprise!” It’s (Z: two days before) her birthday! But Ally is a pill and tries to shut it down. A hot police officer (Z: One might even describe him as a…Hot Cop) ducks in and tells Ally he has a summons for her, at which point Elaine turns on some Tom Jones music. It’s a… workplace… birthday… stripper? This isn’t a damn bachelorette party, guys.

Credits! They changed the clips for this so that other cast members actually get face time. Good choice, show.

Post-credits, Ally whines to Renee that 28 is two years away from 30, and she used to think that people over 30 should “die already”. I take a big drag of wine. (Z: You take a drag of wine? I’m 30!) While Ally is being stupid and pathetic, Renee gets a phone call. Turns out she’s being assigned as the prosecutor in Ally’s upcoming case. Continue reading “*Head Explodes*”

S1E18: He Represents the Lollypop Guild and He’ll See You in Court

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(Lead Counsel: Zeke)

There’s plenty of stuff happening this week that might merit a previously on (K: I noticed that too, what happened to those?), but instead we get a nice jarring start of Ally having an argument with her therapist. Tracy tells her that she’s being plagued by the Dancing Baby because she is weak, so she should beat it up. Also, Ally is a weakling because she feels better about herself just because she might have something going on with Butters. This doesn’t seem so unreasonable, but still they fight over whether or not Tracy’s advice is crazy and whether or not Ally is a really weird person. It can be two things, guys.

VONDA plays over the credits, and we jump to Ally riding around with Butters. He says Tracy is a quack, and then Ally has a hallucination in which she sees a giant stop sign and they drive into another car. Except it wasn’t a hallucination, Butters was mooning over her so hard he drove through a stop sign and hit somebody. Because she is a crazy person, Ally’s response to being in a wreck is to get out of the car and tell the other driver that he must have been speeding. (K: Although she does wisely stop Butters from admitting liability in his dazed state.) He realizes she is a lawyer and makes a snide comment about it, and she shoots back that he’s probably an accountant. Turns out he is, and she feels kind of bad about it.

Anyway, I guess a car accident with no injuries in which you weren’t the driver is a really big deal in the Ally-verse, so she goes back to Cage and Fish and discusses this development with the whole firm. Elaine wants to know if she was in a car with Butters in the morning because she slept over, and Cage keeps saying “Poughkeepsie” because it’s supposed to help with his stammering. So yeah, good call on consulting the whole firm on this one, Ally. You’re getting so much helpful input! Also we have this week’s case: workplace sexual harassment again! (K: This is a continuation of the “Eva Curry depo” from last episode, so I guess the previouslies are our responsibility now.) I can hardly contain my excitement. This time, their client claims that other women were promoted instead of her because they slept with the boss and she didn’t. Georgia and Billy are worried because they suddenly care about whether these cases have legal merit or not, but Richard doesn’t care in the slightest. This is weird, though. Plaintiff’s lawyers usually work on a contingency fee, meaning they only get paid if they win. If Richard just cares about money, he shouldn’t be taking on a bunch of loser claims that won’t pay out.

Ally retreats to the Unisex for a weird and mostly pointless conversation with Cage about something or other (K: how weird but effective Tracy is), then meets with Butters about the accident because the other driver has already lawyered up. Butters is surprised that he’s been sued, but Ally thinks it’s totally normal because of our litigious culture. I’m less convinced. From what we saw of the accident, nobody got hurt and the other guy’s midmarket sedan might not even be totalled. Who wants to pay a bunch of lawyers instead of just dealing with this through insurance? Oh, and Ally’s not really thinking about any of this because she’s treating her client meeting like the adult equivalent of a “Do you like me? Check yes or no” note. (K: If he doesn’t like her, what were they doing in the car together earlier? His medical case ended.) Butters, a surgeon, has to go to work, which Ally interprets as a crushing rejection.

Elsewhere at the firm, Georgia and Billy are meeting with Eva, their client in the sexual harassment suit. They remain skeptical that this should be a lawsuit, but Richard isn’t, so they head to court for the next scene. Richard argues their motion: he says that, because his client was passed over for promotion since she didn’t sleep with the boss, this fits the spirit of the law against a “sex for promotion” quid pro quo (K: he spouts a lot of legal jargon, including the phrase “e pluribus penis”, which amuses me). The judge (K: Judge Taylor Doose again, for the three other Gilmore Girls fans that are keeping track) treats Richard like he’s crazy, but calls for an evidentiary hearing to decide whether or not the claim can go forward.

This doesn’t make any sense. There’s a question of law here: if everything their client says is true, does that amount to actionable sexual harassment or not? In the real world, there would be a motion for summary judgment, and the opposing sides could potentially appeal the motion. Either way, the argument would mostly be done through motions and briefs with citations and so forth, and no witnesses or juries would be involved. If the plaintiff wins, then the suit goes to trial to find out if what the plaintiff says happened is actually what happened, and if the plaintiff loses, the suit would get thrown out. That way a lawyer with a legally nonsensical case can’t pull a John Cage and get a jury to ignore the law, because he won’t even get to a jury. It’s almost as if people have thought about the best way for the courts to work and want to avoid some of the shenanigans that happen on this show.

Later, Ally talks to Renee about how Butters makes her nervous (K: they use the word “pitted” to refer to their nervous sweats), because she is a neurotic child. Renee tells her that it’s normal to worry that somebody you’re into won’t be into you, and that she should think about her lips to feel confident in herself sexually.

Armed with this fantastic advice, Ally returns to C&F, where Billy and Georgia are still going on about how weak they think their sexual harassment claim is. But Ally has no time for professionalism or doing work, because the ooga-chucka starts up (K: and my pulse quickens) and she spots The Baby, this time wearing a trenchcoat and just kind of standing there facing away from Ally. Because of her weirdo therapist’s crazy advice, Ally roundhouse kicks the baby in the back. But oh no, it’s not a hallucinatory baby, it’s an actual person! There was a tiny little kid standing in a law office wearing a trenchcoat and a hat, and Ally kicked him to the ground. (K: Wait, if the baby wasn’t around, why did we hear the ooga-chucka? Are Ally’s hallucinations playing her now?)

It is around this point that I start worrying that I am having a dissociative episode instead of watching this on my TV. The kid is the lawyer that the other driver hired to sue Butters. We are informed that he is nine, but is also a little person, so he looks even younger. The actor playing him turns out to be a little person who was 16 at the time. Apparently the kid is a child prodigy and completed law school in 11 months….

OK OK OK, I’ve run away from the screen and texted a few friends about how I’m losing my mind. They’ve informed me that I need to keep writing this recap. I don’t like it, but duty calls. So Ally (K: after checking that other people can actually see this person, which would seriously worry me as her boss) then has a meeting with the kid, who proposes a $125,000 settlement. This number makes zero sense. It’s not like getting in a car accident is a really weird thing to have happen; somebody in the writer’s room must have had this happen to them at some point, so you’d think that they could come up with a vaguely plausible number. Oh, and the kid talks about “putative damages.” Ally doesn’t know what that means, because “putative damages” is another term for punitive damages that you only use if you are a pompous ass. Or a child. He then gets frustrated and exits the conference room by walking UNDER the table, because he’s small, see?

We cut back to court for BIlly and Georgia’s case. Their client’s boss says he promoted on merit, because of course he would. Then we return to Ally, who is at a coffee shop telling Butters how the meeting went, and also that she kicked a child. They have a moment together (K: following Ally’s admission that she thought she kicked a pretend baby– why is he hanging out with her again?), but then Ally is awkward and ruins it, or perhaps Butters remembers that she just told him she went all Kobra Kai on a nine year old. Butters leaves and Ally feels insecure.

Or at least that’s what Tracy tells her when she goes to even more therapy in the next scene. Apparently she’s afraid; she should be a man and go out and make a move if she likes Butters. Also not only does she need a theme song, she needs backup singers, or as Tracy calls them, Pips, a la Gladys Knight.

Back in court, Eva assures us that she has a “normal healthy sex drive” and talks about how awful her whore coworkers were to her. Good call on that super-helpful evidentiary hearing, judge. I’m sure this is much more helpful than briefs with citations and stuff would have been. Anyway, Georgia doesn’t like this and tells Richard that she thinks their claim is horseapples. Richard says he can’t talk about it now because of the menstrual cramps he doesn’t have (K: on the one hand that is crap, on the other, Ally said the same thing because she was flustered, so I’ll give Richard a pass), because it’s not fair that only women can beg off of stuff because of PMS. Billy supports Georgia, and the kid lawyer walks by and freaks Georgia out.

Apparently he was on his way to another meeting with Ally. He and Ally get offended at each other (K: Ally argues that Butters’ insurance rates will go up, which, yeah dude, that’ll happen if you run a stop sign), while Cage hums “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” to calm himself. This backfires when Oren assumes it was a “munchkin song”. Ally says some dumb wrong stuff about how accepting a settlement means admitting that you would lose if you went to court (it doesn’t), and then the kid starts sobbing like a child. (K: Why would anyone hire this kid?) My notes: “I can’t even i hate this so much make it stop oh my god.” When this show really bothers me I channel William Faulkner.

Anyway, Cage goes to get Oren’s mother. He and Ally, super helpful like they are, try to convince his mom to make the kid stop being a lawyer. She says he’s a lonely weirdo, and this lets him meet people. Also, Oren throws a tantrum, along with some shoes, the whole time they are talking. Somehow this breaks through to Ally and triggers some maternal, nurturing shit, so she goes in to talk to him. She gets Oren to sit on her lap (K: …I don’t… words… propriety…) and tells him he’s too young to be exposed to lawyers. He says he only wants to be a lawyer until he’s 12, then move on to another highly educated career, which seems to impress Ally. Having weakened her, he asks to settle at $75,000.

Back in court, Richard is turning on the charm. We get a little Richard amuse-bouche when he tells Billy that Georgia needs to stay on the case so that they have “estrogen” at the counsel table. She arrives sporting a new, shorter haircut (K: it’s a bob and super cute, although admittedly I am a sucker for dramatic TV haircuts), so naturally Billy reacts like she shaved her head and came out as a lesbian. Richard tries to sneak a wattle touch in. Then they proceed to the courtroom, where he throws the main course at the judge: “Personally, I hate sexual harassment laws. The original force behind them were disgruntled lesbians that felt they weren’t given the same opportunity to get ahead.” Charmingly, he goes on to opine that most sexual harassment plaintiffs are ugly and that the natural direction of sexual harassment jurisprudence is to consider women disabled under the ADA.

What is wrong with Richard? This isn’t just being an asshole, this is being completely oblivious about what he’s trying to accomplish and how other people will react to him. You’d think that even a competent lawyer who passionately believes all of that would realize that you don’t argue against your own case in the most offensive way possible in front of a judge. In the elevator afterwards, Georgia and Billy react about like I do to this, and Richard retorts that Georgia does all sorts of crazy stuff to impress men (shoes, makeup, etc.), so “don’t tell me you’re not disabled.” (K: I… I can’t. Go on without me.)

Oh hey, can I stop talking about this? (K: For now.) Good, good. So Ally reports back to Butters about Oren and how she is going to take him to the aquarium. (K: You’re his colleague, not his babysitter!) Butters laughs and says something awkward about how she isn’t taking him to the aquarium, so Ally tries to follow Tracy’s advice and says that she would be happy to take Butters to the aquarium if that’s what he’s into. (K: How are you leaving out the worst part? As Ally starts flirting, three “Pip” Allys appear next to her, but they’re all wavy and stretched out and remind me of Slender Man. It’s awful.) Then she says something weird and I think sexual that I didn’t follow, so Butters gets freaked out and leaves. (K: As he should, this is not a great start to a relationship.)

But since Ally isn’t done with weirdly inappropriate things, she meets her therapist in The Bar, along with Renee and Georgia. Tracy tells Ally and Georgia that they are both insufficiently liberated and aggressive women and that they have a bunch of screwy attitudes towards their own sexuality. I can’t say I disagree with that. She says they should be more like Renee, who is dancing with like three dudes, and then runs off to dance when VONDA starts singing her theme song. Georgia thinks Tracy is a crazy person.

Back at Cage and Fish, Ally and John meet with Oren again. He doesn’t like Ally’s new offer of $60,000, which is still an outrageously large amount of money for this case. He’s also sitting under the table and threatening to throw a tantrum if he doesn’t get his way. Ally follows him under the table to berate him, and then they do their best Jon and Lysa Arryn impression. (K: Cage, at the table proper, does a silent “3, 2, 1…” countdown to when Oren starts crying, which I enjoy.) The whole thing makes me deeply uncomfortable.

The next scene gives us the resolution to the courtroom plot this week: while he wanted to throw out their obviously outrageous claim, the judge has decided that, while these facts don’t fit the letter of the law of sexual harassment, they do fit the spirit. Therefore, he’s going to let it go to trial. This is wrong and dumb for the procedural reasons I spelled out above, but it also means that I can’t put off talking about the substantive law here any longer. I spent this entire episode wondering why everybody thought this claim was crazy. It is absolutely not the case that the plaintiff has to have been the target of some inappropriate behavior in order to have a good claim. If bad stuff is happening around the office to other people, and it is sufficiently pervasive and severe as to effect the basic terms and conditions of employment, that’s a hostile work environment suit. So it’s a question of fact. If, as the plaintiff claims, women who sleep with the boss get promoted and women who don’t don’t,  then that could be enough for her to win. The way to determine if what she says is true is through a trial. So we kind of end up at the right place, but we get there in the dumbest and weirdest way possible. (K: Well, I learned something today. I basically always assume the the Cage and Fish team are in the wrong, but the more you know.)

Anyway, Richard is happy about this, while Georgia is furious. She thinks that their plaintiff’s claims to victimhood are nonsense and devalue Georgia’s own victim status, while Richard says that everything turned out fine for Georgia so she’s not a victim at all. Oh, for this conversation to have aired in the age of Tumblr.

In the unisex, Ally and Oren (K: why do you keep burying the lede? Ally has Oren SITTING ON THE BATHROOM COUNTER) agree on a $35,000 settlement, and Ally tells Oren that Peter Pan syndrome is a great lifestyle, because Men Are Pigs. Then, because everything has to be a lesson, she has a chat with Georgia about current events. Ally has been inspired by Oren. If he can make the legal profession a child’s world, why can’t they make it a woman’s world? Ally resolves to “grab a bull by his horn,” (K: she asks “who says [I] can’t initiate with Greg”, and NOBODY said that Ally, nobody, except maybe The Rules) both personally and professionally, and then Richard walks in and they team up to yell at him incoherently. Richard tells them that the “verbal spanking” gave him a boner, and Georgia tries to throw a shoe at him but hits the entering Cage instead. (K: “PLEASE STOP THROWING SHOES AT ME”, he yells, and to be honest I kind of like him this episode.) The longer these recaps go on, the less I sound like I’m describing a coherent narrative.

But so now that Ally has learned a lesson and found new inspiration, she meets with Butters again. She tries to throw out some really weird sexual innuendo, and then gets direct. (K: The terrible terrible Pips appear, snapping, beside her.) She says that they need to address the feelings between them. He says that “premature honesty” is scary and that he’s never kissed a girl without dancing with her first before. I wonder why there’s this much uncertainty between them when he already asked her out, repeatedly, last episode. (K: Really though! Again, what were they even doing in the car before? Why have they hung out eight times this episode in non-office venues? Has anyone on this show even SEEN a relationship?) Butters says there must be some rule against attorneys and their clients sleeping together (there absolutely is) (K: but he’s not her client anymore?), but Ally moves in and kisses them as they vaguely slow dance to VONDA’s montage song.

While Ally and Butters have their moment, the rest of the firm discuss the case and feminism at The Bar. Cage is troubled by Tracy, because she knows that women will eventually take over. Yes, John, I agree. Equality is a crazy pipe dream, either men dominate women or vice versa, and there is nothing at all horrifying about that sentiment. Anyway, Richard scopes out some wattles, Renee pulls Cage onto the dance floor, and the episode ends. Not a moment too soon. I need to stop watching these things sober.

S1E17: Everyone Knows it’s Butters (who’s being sued for malpractice)

(Lead Counsel: Katie)

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We KICK off with Ally, Renee and Georgia in a kickboxing class…haha…*clears throat*. Anyway, Ally struggles to keep up and falls flatter than that joke. Credits! Yep, I guess that’s all we needed to know.

I see the name “Liz Torres” (Z: Who?) in the opening credits and wonder if this will pay off. Ally and Georgia are back at work after class, where Ally snaps at Cage because she’s scared about her upcoming trial, and Renee’s suggestion of kickboxing as stress relief isn’t helping. Cage gives Ally his (smile) utherapist’s card, but she refuses. (Z: It makes perfect sense for a lawyer at a really busy firm to be stressed and overworked, but why now?) Georgia asks Ally why the “Eva Curry depo” (noting the name in case it’s important later) fell to her, and when Ally says she begged off it because of her current case, everyone starts talking over each other. Ally freaks and retreats to her office. (Z: In the form of a whimsy moment where she’s deep underwater and swims away. I did not understand this at all.) Continue reading “S1E17: Everyone Knows it’s Butters (who’s being sued for malpractice)”

S1E16: Love Triangles on Trial

(Lead Counsel: Zeke)

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We jump right in this week, so there’s plenty of time for the show to make me do research into stuff that got a lot of airtime on CNN when I was a child. The whole firm is gathered around a conference room table to discuss their latest case: a US senator has been sued for something or other and hired Cage & Fish to defend him. They’re arguing over two points of legal strategy. Should they claim that their client is a sex addict, and should they argue that, as a sitting US senator, their client has immunity? Richard says yes on both counts, but Billy & Georgia disagree. (K: At one point he’s making so little sense that everyone goes “RICHARD!” like he just made a bad pun on the Magic School Bus.) There was only one woman involved, so sex addiction is a hell of a stretch. It’s still unclear what the guy is being sued for, but it’s a sex scandal of some kind.

Richard suggests that the Senator could be immune by way of his government position, but Billy and Ally argue that he’s wrong: the Supreme Court has ruled against this sort of thing before and fighting on this will alienate the judge and jury. Ultimately it’s decided that they will get around that by having Richard, who hasn’t been in court in a long time, argue the point, since he has no credibility already and it’s totally impossible that the idiocy of their boss could in any way damage the credibility of the other attorneys at Cage & Fish. (K: I’m only comforted by the fact that they treat this as more of an excuse to let Richard get his way than a valid reason to throw their figurehead attorney into actual court.) This sets up the big interpersonal issue of the episode: Georgia does not like it at all that Billy and Ally are sitting on the same side of the conference table and agreeing about stuff. And now that we’ve finally gotten all of that table-setting out of the way, it’s VONDA time as the opening credits roll. Continue reading “S1E16: Love Triangles on Trial”

S1E15: I Believe in a Thing Called “Lifetime Love”

(Lead Counsel: Katie)

s1e15 grabStraight into the episode this week, where Ally and Renee are helping each other stretch for some reason while they have girl talk about Ally’s upcoming date with Cage. Ally already has “the ick” about this whole thing (wasn’t it her idea though?), and tries to decide whether to cancel the date or just be really obnoxious while on it. She decides she has to call it off.

At Cage & Fish, Ally dodges Elaine’s scolding about her billable hours (Z: I don’t work in the kind of biglaw firm that keeps track of productivity like this, but some research suggests that 200 billable hours per month is both plausible and a whole lot of hours. Kudos, show.) and Cage’s possibly romantic approach to duck into the team meeting, where Richard is taking input on their next case. After they throw out a lawsuit going after Burger King for their Crispier Fry IP (that’s got to be a product placement, right?), Richard mentions that an artist, Seymore Little, wants to hire them, and Ally gets super excited because she was an art history major. Apparently Seymore wants to get married but his son won’t let him because he was deemed mentally incompetent recently. (Z: Why? He seems perfectly lucid here.) This is the… third? fourth? case where someone wants to get married, right? The Ally-verse sure is high pressure for the single folk. Cage is basically being a surly teen to whatever Richard says and storms out. Continue reading “S1E15: I Believe in a Thing Called “Lifetime Love””

S1E14: No Touching!

(Lead Counsel: Zeke)

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So what do we need to be reminded of this time? Well Richard has a thing for wattles, and Billy got mad at him for touching Georgia’s proto-wattle. Also Caroline Poop (uggggghhhh) called Georgia a Barbie doll and Ally desperately wants to get married.

Looks like that last point, at least, will be relevant, because this episode opens at a wedding. The groom is busy removing the bride’s garter with his teeth while the band plays a slow jazzy number that belongs in a New Orleans strip club. Ally and Renee are bridesmaids (K: who else are they even friends with?), and they discuss how gross the groom is. Why did the bride marry him? Because she turned 30, says Renee. The bride prepares to toss the bouquet, while Ally and Renee talk about how dumb this custom is and how they absolutely don’t care. I bet Ally is going to catch it. But when the bouquet flies, everything goes slow motion and Ride of the Valkyries plays as Ally brawls her way through the crowd to catch it. Called it. Ally contemplates sweet victory and that old lady she stiff armed, and it’s time for VONDA and the opening credits.

Back at their apartment, Ally and Renee are roasting marshmallows over the fire they’re using to burn their bridesmaid’s dresses. (K: They complain about how they’re the last ones to get married, so apparently that fear was a thing even before Facebook.) Ally says she wants this to be her last bridesmaid dress, which really makes no sense. Married women can be bridesmaids too; it’s not like all of her friends will stop getting married when she gets married. Oh, and of course there’s a case going on: Ally is representing a woman named Janie, who wants to marry a guy named Michael, who is serving a life sentence for terrorism charges. It’s 1997, so terrorism is still funny, you see. They discuss how crazy it is for a woman to want to marry this man (K: Renee: “She hit 30”, and as a 28-year-old woman I hope they don’t keep harping on this), and decide to blame Disney.

Continue reading “S1E14: No Touching!”

S1E13: The Penguin Returns

(Lead Counsel: Katie)

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Previously: Ally had a one night stand with a nude model, Ally saw an Uncanny Baby, Renee wasn’t happy dealing with Ally’s imaginary friends.

We’re kicking off with Ally and Georgia on a plane. They whine that they’re having to ride coach for a work trip, when the captain announces some turbulence. It gets worse and worse until it’s the first scene of LOST, at which point Ally bolts up in bed because it was all a dream. (Z: Of course Ally is terrified of flying.) Renee runs in to check on her small child of a roommate, and Ally describes the dream back to her. Only apparently it went on after it cut off for us, because the plane hit the water and Georgia died. That’s an odd way to edit, show. (Z: Also less expensive.)

The next morning, Ally is guiltily (Z: Why?!?) recounting her dream for Georgia, when who should they bump into but Big Dick Dude! (Since he gets given at least one more characteristic this episode, I shall call him by his Christian name, Glen.) Ally is surprised, seeing as he had told her he was leaving the country, but she agrees to go out with him again. (Z: Despite the fact that she is really angry at him for no reason– she said herself that she just wanted to fuck him and move on.) I think this is how a lot of bad marriages start.

We cut over to court, and apparently the LOST dream was Ally’s work interfering with her subconscious: the C&F team is representing the (adult) children of a man who died in a plane crash in a lawsuit against the airline. Cage says that while they don’t know exactly why the plane crashed, the idea of justice here is “res ipsa loquitur”, or “the thing speaks for itself”. He makes the jury repeat it back to him, because apparently a convincing argument can be just having the jurors echo your legal strategy. Continue reading “S1E13: The Penguin Returns”

S1E12: Ooga Chaka Ooga Chaka

(Lead Counsel: Zeke)

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Man, was it hard to choose a picture for this one, there was so much weirdness. I feel bad we had to throw this week’s Fabio love interest over in favor of the hallucinations, but that’s just what kind of episode we’re dealing with here.

But once more unto the breach!

Oh man does this episode have some stuff to remind us about. Remember how Ally wants to break down the cage of gender roles she finds herself in…after she gets married and has 2.5 kids? Remember how Ally has a strategic contraceptive jelly reserve? Remember how the Rabbi asked her out? (K: Yes of course I do, I need closure!) Will we finally get to see some payoff to that?!?! So excited.

Anyway, we open with Ally and Renee in an art class, I guess? Whatever it is, they are making clay sculptures of nudes, and have a bevy of handsome gents serving as nude models for them. I do not buy for a second that Ally “I’m pretty sure she hasn’t said the word sex even once on this show” McBeal is comfortable sculpting naked dudes, but here we are. Renee and Ally chatter about what they’re up to lately and how OMG penises (K: Renee uses the phrase “meat whistle”), but then their model has to go and a new naked dude comes out. The ladies are shocked. This guy just has the biggest dick ever. (K: I mean, so they imply. Not like FOX actually showed any of that filth.) I thought his whole facial situation was pretty crazy, what with his romance novel hair and goatee and all, but Ally and Renee are clearly not interested in that part of his anatomy. Renee says she’s gonna need some more clay, and it’s time for VONDA and credits. Continue reading “S1E12: Ooga Chaka Ooga Chaka”

S1E11: The Care and Feeding of Monogamy

(Lead Counsel: Katie)

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Previously: Whipper hinted about marrying Richard, Ally and Renee were single, Ally agreed to date Cage, Georgia and Ally had coffee orgasms, Ally doubted Georgia’s marriage. Phew. I guess we’re picking up some loose threads this ep.

Guess what? It’s still Christmas! It’s closer to the actual holiday now, so Elaine informs Ally and the viewers about the C&F Christmas party, where they rent out the VONDA Bar and everyone sings. That sounds… terrible. Richard calls Cage and Ally into his office because there are new clients: two women and a man who want to be joined in… bigamy? Plural marriage? At any rate, they all have kids together (the man and one of the women are lawyers so they claim to have some background here) and want legal recognition for the union. Apparently Cage and Ally are the Dream Team for this because Whipper is ruling, and “she has great respect for John’s legal mind and [Ally’s] sense of romance”. Hey, that’s our shtick! Ally refuses and Cage is Troubled and won’t answer, so Richard agrees for them. Outside the meeting, he tells Ally they could make a killing from this (Z: How? These aspiring polygamists are doing well for themselves, but it doesn’t look like they have millions of dollars to spend hiring Cage & Fish) and the argument could be viable from a legal standpoint. (Z: Not in 1997 it couldn’t. The Defense of Marriage Act was passed in 1996 and limited marriages to two-person heterosexual unions. Gay marriage seemed impossible in 1997 and legal polygamy was an even more remote prospect. Conservatives used the distant threat of polygamy to justify opposing gay marriage. If these people tried again today they might have a chance, but it’s still an uphill slog. In 1997 it was one step up from trying to marry your dog.) Continue reading “S1E11: The Care and Feeding of Monogamy”