I’m just skipping the previouslies now, they seem to be of no use to me. Feels weird without an intro though, so I’ll type out a few more words up here.
As per usual, Velma Voiceover starts us off, saying that nothing is teenagers’ fault, it’s always their parents. They’re either lying (Daphne takes a sticker off her family pic to see a banner that says “Our Baby Girl Taken from the Crystal Mines Gang”), trying to change us (Father forces Fred to swap out his copy of “Yas Queens Throughout History” for a rifle and a glass of whiskey), or hiding a family secret (Momville and Dadville pull out a box labeled “Edna”). She finishes that HER dad is the crappiest parent. At home, she calls to him that she needs to get to school early to meet with Momville. It sounds like he’s agreeing, but it turns out he’s just really into the pictures he’s taking of Sophie and the baby. The three of them are decked out in what looks like LL Bean’s finest, so Velma asks what’s happening. Aman tells her that he’s taking paternity leave, and today they’re going hiking!. Velma notes that he never did any of that for her, but Sophie explains that Amanda’s birth made him realize that he needs better work-life balance, or he could mess up this kid like… you know.
I guess Norville is unavailable to give rides to school, because Velma is traveling by foot when Fred pulls up in (the back of) his limo and offers her a ride. Father immediately pops out to reject this idea, and asks why they would help Velma anyway. Fred admits that he likes her now, asking his dad if he’s heard of inner beauty. Father calls it a myth and they drive off. Velma observes that at least her relationship with her dad isn’t THAT bad, just in time for him and his new family to drive by and splash mud on her.
Velma makes it to Momville’s office,where she’s prevented from thanking her by Norville and Gigi making out in the doorway. Gigi finally lets him go, reminding him that she needs him to mend her pants by lunchtime. Norville joins Velma at the desk, and Momville tells us all to buckle up, because things are about to get weird. We get flashbacks as she narrates that in the 70s, her mom, Edna Perdue, was a great neurosurgeon, to the point where she discovered a way to keep the human brain alive outside the body. An Army general noticed her work and asked her to collaborate in order to tackle a major American threat: “meddling kids”, this being his term for dirty anti-war hippies of the time. He’d tried to infiltrate these groups, but “the meddling kids always foiled him with a technique called mask pulling” iiiiiiiiia;sdlfm klmkl
Sorry, I sighed so deeply I passed out. So, the general was thwarted by mask pulling. He tried hypnotizing hippies to be more solider-like and convert the others, but that always wore off. He wanted to use Edna’s technique in order to put a soldier’s brain into the head of a meddling kid. (What they would do with the half of the experiment where you have a soldier with a meddling kid’s brain, they do not tell us.) Oh, and the proposed operation had a special code name: the Special COvert Operations Brain Initiative or… I refuse to literally spell it out. If there were any justice, them saying this would summon some, any form of dog, but instead we get more flashbacks.
Edna worked on the project for years, decades even, but she could never get it to work. We see Momville growing up, trying to introduce Dadville (who at that age looks a lot like OG Shaggy, I like that bit) to Edna, but not getting through to her. As time went on, the initiative drove Edna insane, to the point of scrawling on walls and other mad scientist tendencies. Finally, Edna bricked up her lab, “hid” her journals by donating them to the Historical Society, and voluntarily committed herself to the insane asylum. In the present, Velma is stunned, partly because playing God like that is “some white people shit”. Velma realizes that Diya disappeared only after looking into Perdue’s journals, and all the dead girls had their brains removed! See? You don’t need previouslies on this show, they just bring it up again for you. Momville says Velma is a pretty good detective, and tells her that if there WERE a connection, the key to it would be in this (flat, green) box that she got out earlier. She opens it… and a hallucination monster pops out! Scream and fade to black.
Meanwhile, Daphne looks like maybe she’s made a habit of traveling by sewer boat to and from the Crystal Mines. She arrives and greets the gang, all of whom are now un-costumed and loading crystals into boxes. Darren teases her about being late, but she had to distract her moms first. She asks what everyone is doing, and while Carol explains, Darren stage whispers to remind the rest of them, “Not a word about why we really need her until we know we can trust her.” He turns back to Daphne, and the camera zoooooooms in on a scrap of white cloth in his pocket, with BRENDA stitched on it.
Velma wakes with a start on a cot in the nurse’s office, with a syringe sticking out of her. She asks why there’s a needle in her “good boob”. Momville says that it’s an adrenaline shot, because her heart stopped. Norville tried to make her laugh, but says she didn’t get his calculus jokes. But wouldn’t that only stop the hallucination if she were still conscious? Whatever. Momville won’t tell her anything else about Edna until the hallucinations stop, partly because the nurse only has one adrenaline shot left. Velma protests that she has to know if Diya is connected to the killer. Momville reluctantly agrees, beginning that her mom– HALLUCINATION!
Cut to Velma and Norville sitting outside eating lunch, Velma now with two needles in her good boob. Velma reminds everyone that she hallucinates because she feels guilty about causing her mom to disappear, and the only cure is to find Diya. Norville asks about the first time she ever hallucinated. It was a few days after the disappearance, when Velma was checking out the crime scene. Norville asks why her reaction had a delayed start, then: “As a man analyzing a woman, can we assume menses?” Velma realizes that something else happened the day it started: Aman took her out to breakfast for the first time. Another flashback! We are clearly directed to look at Velma’s mug labeled “Nana’s Nibbles” as she sits with Aman at a diner. Velma tells him that she has new leads on Diya, and Aman corrects her that Diya wasn’t taken, she just left. He leaves to take work calls. Huh, I assumed that him making Velma realize that in the pilot was a first, not an ongoing argument. In the present, Velma realizes that she’s always wanted Aman to love her more. She and Norville theorize that maybe the hallucinations are her brain stopping her from looking for Diya, because she knows Aman will be upset with her. Velma is bummed to realize that all this is happening because she has daddy issues.
The solution to this is apparently for Velma and Norville to google “daddy issues and teenage girls”, which Norville quickly comes to regret. With Dr. Google, PhD, out of consideration, Velma wonders if the hallucinations (which is a really long word to have to keep typing this episode) will stop if Aman finally believes her. Velma has tried to convince him before, but he always shuts her down. Norville personally can’t imagine having problems with his dad. Velma is surprised, given that Dadville is the person “who basically taught you to be a beta”. Mark down another “stereotype in the guise of progressiveness” tally. Norville disagrees with this assessment, just in time for Dadville to stop by the room and ask for some help with some “heavy lifting”. Norville agrees to help with what he points out is a very alpha activity, but deflates a bit when Dadville specifies that they’re helping Momville’s ex-boyfriend move.
Aman is changing Amanda’s (ohhh I think I just got her name) diaper and getting peed on, which is always “hilarious”. A sleepy Sophie pumps milk over on the couch. When Aman’s phone rings, Sophie snaps at him that family is more important than his phone. I notice that her waistline looks like it has nothing to do with a partum and I’m annoyed some more. Velma arrives home and asks if she and Aman can talk. Aman is thrilled to have an excuse, so they run out of the house. Amanda somehow pees straight up in the air, which I didn’t think was possible for girl babies.
Back in the mines, Darren shows Daphne various crystals and what they do, but ultimately confides that crystals are a big hoax. Carol says that’s why they loved working at the Crystal Mines, because overcharging for New Age-y trinkets is basically legal crime. She darkly notes that their following life of ACTUAL crime all ended when they got raided by Cop Moms. The gang got away, but the Moms stole Daphne, and now everyone’s gonna pay… for crystals! Thanks to “underemployed millennials, ex-reality start, and zero sense of global security”, the crystal market is back! Everyone cheers. I mean yes, but they’re pretty cheap and pretty shiny, so what’s not to like? Then again I am basically a magpie.
Darren continues that once they sell all the crystals in the mines, they can use the money to retire somewhere without extradition. Daphne doesn’t want them to leave, because she still has a lot of questions. Darren assures her that they can keep getting to know each other until they all leave in a few days. So was it a coincidence that Daphne decided to hire a private detective to find them right as they were planning to leave? Darren does offer to tell her why she has orange hair: it’s because Carol smoked a lot during pregnancy. Huh…okay. Daphne is also disappointed with this explanation.
Aman and Velma sit in a diner booth, and I am immediately put off by the fact that there don’t seem to be any windows. Velma is working her way through a whole pie as she starts that she has a couple points to cover. First, she observes that this place has changed: remember how before it was Nana’s Nibbles? Well now it’s Nana’s NIPPLES, and also a strip club. The blackout decor makes sense now, at least. Sophie texts to request more diapers. Aman makes the whipped noise about himself. Velma commiserates that Sophie told her she can’t pee in the shower anymore, because that’s where she bathes the baby. Aman advises her just to aim for the drain, and Velma realizes he actually imparted a life lesson. He has another one: “Don’t date anyone who owns more throw pillows than books.” This must also refer to Sophie, because Velma is thrilled that Aman doesn’t think everything about said stepmom/mistress is great. She thinks that will make it easier to kick her out when Velma finds Diya. Aman groans about her bringing this up again. Velma explains her new and improved hallucination theory, and how he has to believe her. Aman just wants to enjoy their lunch right now (he says, as a stripper/server rubs his shoulders). Velma asks if they can talk about this later then, so he takes and/or makes a work call and goes outside.
Velma grumbles that if Aman is going to work, she’ll… get on the pole. As you do. On her way up to the counter/stage, she bumps into Fred, who fills her in that Father is taking him on a strip club tour to re-normalize his brain to hot girls. Father storms over to shout at Velma that she’s ruined Fred, then drags his son out of the club. Velma spots Aman still on his phone outside and proceeds with her plan. She does some very clunky pole-dancing, which the patrons don’t seem thrilled with. Aman returns and asks what she’s doing. “What every girl is doing up here: I’m just trying to get my dad’s attention.” Aman says he IS paying attention. In fact, he just called Sophie to tell her that he has to spend his paternity leave with Velma instead. He thinks they were just starting to have fun together, unlike the last couple years, so how about they go hang out just the two of them?
“The Greatest Love of All” plays while Velma and Aman play an uncoordinated game of catch, Daphne’s bio parents show her their crime album, and Dadville loses his coffee order when an alpha takes it off the counter first. While he goes back to re-order, Norville gets a text from Gigi asking about her pants and decides to ignore it. We’re not done montaging, though: Aman and Velma hide the baby and laugh at Sophie’s panic; Father makes Fred do some VR-style deprogramming; Velma and Aman go fishing and catch an old-school Scooby Doo monster, and Daphne and her parents do some Crystal Mines attractions. Well that was a lot. The song finishes as Aman and Velma sit on the beach at sunset. They toast with beers to the best day ever. Velma pukes and passes out, so we can see the empty beer bottles scattered around.
The next day, a clearly hungover Velma hangs out with Norville on the bleachers. She knows she still needs to talk about the hallucinations with her dad, but they’re having so much fun– he even remembered her birthday. Norville’s phone rings, but he refuses to answer it as a power move, since Velma was right about him being a beta. Fred comes by to tell Velma to thank her dad for changing his life. Apparently he helped Father buy out a stripper’s contract (her name is Chestiny, I tried to skip that earlier but here we are), so Fred can date her and sort out his head. Chestiny has even come along to school. Velma thinks that’s impossible, because Aman is on paternity leave. Fred confirms that he figured out the legal stuff yesterday. Velma is shocked.
Who knows who cares about school and classes, because Velma storms into Aman’s office and accuses him of using her as an excuse to get out of baby leave, so he could go back to work and parent none of his daughters. Aman tries to deny it, but an assistant comes in to give him the extra work he requested. Velma storms back out…
And into Momville’s office, demanding to see the box from earlier. Norville is sitting smugly in the corner, decked out in a leather jacket which he claims he stole. Momville specifies that he took it from a teddy bear at the mall, and wonders what’s up with him lately. Norville responds that he might be late for dinner, and smoothly exits. Velma returns to the box. After today, Aman is dead to her, so she shouldn’t hallucinate as a convoluted bid for his approval anymore. She opens the box and… nothing happens! She’s pleasantly surprised, noting that she didn’t really think that would work. She finally asks about Diya. All that was in the box is a single picture of younger Momville with Edna, Not sure why that was such a big deal. Momville explains that Fred’s family bought Edna’s house after she died, which got a write up in the paper. Diya was curious about the house’s history and uncovered Edna’s journals, learning that the secret lab was still buried under the house. If it matters, we learn that Diya specifically disappeared on Christmas Eve, when she went to the house looking for the lab before Fred’s family moved in. Velma still doesn’t see the connection between Edna and Diya. Momville dramatically says that when Diya opened the lab, Edna’s ghost had returned! Velma doesn’t have time for scary stories, and says she has to go find her mom and her “non-ghost serial killer kidnapper”. She shuts the door on her way out, revealing a graffiti signed by Norville that says “Graffiti!”.
Daphne returns to the mines once again to find that only Darren is there, with all the crystals elsewhere ready to ship. Daphne isn’t ready for them to leave. Darren says that she deserves better than them, and proceeds to prove his point by holding a gun to her head. He explains that she’s the insurance policy, in case her moms try to stop them on their way out. Daphne, feeling manipulated, asks if that’s why he and Carol let her find them. Darren reminds her that her parents are criminals and starts to apologize, when suddenly the gun is shot out of his hand. Jane Lynch is standing on a tour boat as she rides to shore, revealing that they’ve been tracking him since he busted out of jail OH MY GOD
I *just* now at this moment realized that Darren is The Thief, aka That Guy from the Wanted Posters All Over Town. They weren’t hiding it, they reminded us with the news segment and all, I just literally didn’t recognize him out of his prison jumpsuit. Plus for the whole last episode he was in the weird Captain Caveman costume, which distracted me, and then the reveal was in the tag but… I’ve given this show so much shit about not trusting its audience, and then they thread this through multiple episodes and I miss it completely. Honestly it’s humbling.
Well, assuming I still have any reputability as a recapper, now Wanda mom has also arrived with some other officers. They proceed to tie up most of the gang and start to cuff Carol. Wanda comments that they’re not always the best cops, but they are great moms, and Jane agrees that they always know what Daphne is up to. Jane takes the the BRENDA cloth out of Darren’s pocket, which turns out to be a tank top. Daphne recognizes it, and good thing Brenda wrote her name in her clothes for just this occasion. Darren claims that Carol found the shirt in the mines, and he used it as a rag. As an officer takes crime scene photos, Carol kicks the camera out of his hand. It flashes at the ceiling, waking a flock of bats who swarm the goings-on below. Carol manages to escape in the chaos.
Aman drives by the high school, yelling out the window for Velma. He calls that he’s sorry, but also she should be cool and not tell Sophie about this. Meanwhile, Velma has just arrived at Fred’s house. He tells that Father can’t catch her here, but she wants to go find the secret lab. She gives him the choice to either help her or keep trying to convince himself that he might earn Father’s love. Velma runs into the house, and Chestiny pops up to tell Fred she’s not wrong. She thinks he’ll only earn Father’s respect by taking a stand, and offers to help Fred kill him. It takes Fred a while to mull this over, and by the time he has, Chestiny has grabbed some expensive art from the house and headed for the gate.
Norville screeches into his driveway, to be met by Dadville in a frilly pink apron. Norville has added teddy bear-studded sunglasses to his ensemble, and slides out the car window. Dadville has been worried, telling him that Gigi almost died– she was stung by a bee while digging her pants out of the trash at school, and the nurse was out of adrenaline shots. Norville’s cool guy persona literally slips off of him as he realizes he has a bunch of missed calls from Gigi. Dadville says he’s making her a get-well lemon cake. Norville offers to go get his zester.
Velma and Fred eventually find the bricked-up lab entrance in his basement. Velma is confused by the bricks, because she assumed that Diya had found it and opened it up before. Fred theorizes that maybe the whole thing will move if he pushes the right brick. He’s half right, in that once the central brick is out the whole pile collapses.
The non-speaking members of the Crystal Mine Gang are loaded onto a police bus while Daphne smashes boxes of crystals outside the entrance. Cop Moms approach, and Daphne asks if they really knew she was with her bio parents the whole time. They assure her they’ve never lied to her. Daphne points out that they lied about stealing her from the mines, but Wanda clarifies that they didn’t steal her– they TOOK her. Flashback to a younger Darren and Carol loading a boat with what looks to be stolen TVs, along with Daphne’s carrier. They’re running out of room, and realize that there’s only one thing they can do. Cut to Cop Moms entering the mines and seeing Baby Daphne left behind. Present Daphne feels like an idiot, because now Darren and Carol have abandoned her twice. Wanda explains that that’s why they made up the cornfield story, so that she never felt unwanted. Family hug ensues.
Velma wakes up in a pile of bricks, and sees a blurry figure approaching that she thinks is Diya. As it gets closer, it turns out to be Aman, as he reminds her, “the parent who only abandoned you emotionally”. Velma thinks she’s dead for a second and asks how he found her. Apparently he can track her phone, thanks to Sophie. Velma thinks this gesture is too little too late, but she doesn’t have much of an upper hand, because she’s still stuck in the pile of bricks. Aman apologizes for neglecting her as a kid. He assumed she’d be okay since she also had her mom, but she left, and now he can’t be there for Velma because he feels too guilty, so he hides at work instead. Velma thinks he wouldn’t have to feel guilty if he believed that Diya was kidnapped. Aman is still skeptical. Velma says she’ll just find Diya on her own as she looks down the winding staircase beyond the now-open doorway. When she finally gets up, it turns out Fred was crushed underneath her the whole time.
The three of them descend down to the laboratory, which is run-down but definitely still standing. Velma sees fresh footprints, picks up a scrap of paper, and exclaims, “Jinkies!” Aman asks why she’d say that, so she points out that it’s what’s written on the paper. Monster Diya emerges from said scrap and comes toward her. Velma shouts at Aman that she needs him to believe her now. He says he does, and Monster Diya poofs away. It worked!… but only for a second, because she immediately reappears. Velma accuses Aman of lying, and he says that he WANTS to believe. He looks down at the JINKIES paper and suddenly exclaims that Velma is right! He really believes her! Monster Diya realizes he’s sincere and explodes in agony.
Velma declares the hallucinations officially over. Fred points out that she’s said that before. Velma is sure this time, because now Aman believes her. She’s glad to know that Aman found it in his heart to come around because of his love for her, but that’s not it. Actually, “JINKIES” is in Diya’s handwriting, so she must have just been here.
Tag! Basically just a continuation of the last scene, as Fred wonders how Norville making Velma laughed helped with the hallucinations if it was all Aman’s fault. Velma has the same question about the kiss with Daphne. This is the first anyone else in the room has heard of that development. Velma doesn’t know, but she’s sure she’ll figure it out: “It would be pretty lazy not to.” But the more important questions is, whoever has Diya and removed the girls’ brains was just here– so where did they go? Pan over to the mines (possibly through a connected tunnel? It’s hard to tell), where Carol is still on the run. She stops and sees a gold necklace on the ground. She bends to pick it up, momentarily ignorant of the knife-wielding, welding-mask-wearing figure emerging behind her. Carol turns and screams, and that’s it for the week! And probably for her! It’s okay though, she was a criminal.
The Unisex Bathroom 