S2E17: Girl-on-Girl-on-Girl-on-Girl Catfight

Sigh.

Previously: Nothing, somehow.

Sometimes I end up reading the IMDB synopsis for an episode. This one includes the phrase that became the title of the post, so I think I better take an aspirin before I start.

We jump in with Billy just having told Richard (and Cage) that he kissed Ally, but not to tell anyone else. Richard says it’s “unconscionable” for him to have told Georgia, but isn’t as concerned with that as he is finding about about Ally’s “fat, wet, juicy tongue”. He asks Cage to confirm from their makeout adventures, but Cage says they didn’t have much of a kiss. Richard is glad that they’re all sharing, so Cage contributes that at prom he licked out his date’s hearing aid: “I tried to explain myself, but she couldn’t hear me.” Okay, I’m tipsy and that is pretty amusing. Billy departs, leaving Richard vaguely offended.

In the conference room, we find out that “the sweat man”, a guy named George, is due in for one of Nelle’s cases. She says she has a thing about sweat, since she doesn’t perspire herself, and Ling chimes in that she’s the same way. Richard’s not swayed, since they need Nelle’s tax expertise. Richard asks Ally, “What’s with the big kiss?”, and everyone looks up. He corrects himself to “big case”, and Ally says she’s refusing to settle it. Richard tries to assign Billy to second chair but Georgia’s like “nope”, so he pulls Cage on. Elaine comes by to get Richard, since his client, Harry Wah, is here.

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S2E16: We’ve Definitely Got Trouble

Look, I’m sorry these keep giving you nightmares, but I have to work with what I’m given.

Previously: Ally and Billy kissed, Ally stood up Butters and he was pissed, Ling got hired at C&F, which made Georgia unhappy, Billy and Ally admitted they loved each other, Cage was weird in court, Ally and Billy were in therapy forever, Ally said she loved Billy AND Butters.

As Ally and Renee walk down the street, Ally chatters about how she feels excellent without Billy. But apparently not too excellent, as she hears passersby call her names and sees them pointing at her. Renee suggests that she see Tracy again, seeing as she’s done with Billy and should get over the guilt. A dog pees on Ally’s foot, and Renee confirms that that one is real.

In the office post-credits, Ally joins a team meeting, where Richard is describing a case with a possible cheating spouse, and he mentions it might be in Ally’s wheelhouse. Ally freaks out about the implications, but it’s a civil rights thing, since the wife is a paraplegic. They move on to talk about Cage’s case, something with a senator, being ready to settle, but Ally hasn’t gotten past her own stuff yet. She hears heartbeats, and when she looks over at Georgia, it’s the latter’s head that’s beating. Ally runs out of the room to get to work, and Ling declares that she might be weirder than Cage. Cage smiles awkwardly in response, until Elaine comes to get him for his settlement conference.

S2E15: I Can’t Even

“Well dang, Jim, those ARE some natural-looking eyebrows! The things you can do with computers these days!”

Previously: nothing but loud screeching inside my brain.

Ugh, fine: Ally liked dating Butters, Billy was jealous and said he still loved Ally, Ally loved both dudes, apparently all that gross kissing was real.

Ally walks down the rainy Boston sidewalks at night, and I guess it’s the same night we ended on last time, because she gets home and argues with Renee about what she’s done. Renee thinks it’s fine since it was only a kiss, but Ally disagrees. For her, a kiss is the biggest betrayal, because while sex is primal and includes a “raging penis”, in this case they didn’t take their clothes off, and it was probably because there’s more intimacy in just kissing. We get faded-tone flashbacks to the sloppy makeouts, and the doorbell rings.

Butters is at the door, glaring. He says he sat at the restaurant for over an hour, and Ally stutters about how she wasn’t feeling well. She tells him there’s a reason she wasted one of his few nights off, but Renee interrupts to blather about how women are beyond reason, and hey, Ally’s ploy must have worked because it got him here. She sends him into the other room and tells Ally not to update Butters on all the kissing. Ally says he knows her history with Billy anyway, and Renee ups the ante on that objectionable point with the claim that every relationship begins with dishonesty, since it sets the stage for marriage. They’re interrupted by Billy suddenly standing in the foyer, appearing like something out of a horror movie, and Renee leads him into a lie that they’re planning Ally’s birthday party. Billy glares at Ally and says “Surprise.” What does he have to be pissed about?

S2E14: Nooooooooo It Burns

Get out of here, you little shit-stirrer.

Previously: Ling didn’t want to have sex with Richard, everyone found out that Ling is a lawyer, Billy missed Ally’s whimsy, Cage and Nelle had a precarious thing but she dumped him.

Steel yourself, people. That thing you didn’t want to happen? Well, consider yourself warned.

A reporter interviews Richard at C&F about a new sexual harassment case they’ve taken, and he repeats his earlier opinion that sexual harassment laws are dumb, adding that potential jurors should rule for his client. Nelle interrupts to remind him that he can’t have any kind of contact with the jury, but he points out that there’s a lot of money at stake, so he might as well speak his conscience. Cage tells Nelle it’s time for them to leave for court, and reporters chase him into the elevator, from which Butters is emerging with flowers.

In Ally’s office, she and Billy are getting ready to head out, since they have a different client waiting at court. Butters enters and says he’s stretching Valentine’s for a second day, at which point the Dancing Baby runs in dressed like Cupid and whimsy-shoots Ally. Billy calls the whole scene “precious” and leaves the office. Butters asks about Ally’s case, and she makes a quick comment about it before calling the flowers gorgeous. “I could really get used to this,” she tells him, and he asks “why don’t you then?” They kiss, and Billy looks on with an expression that I first assumed was just impatience.

S2E13: Featuring Precocious 90s Child Star

Quick, before you read: what’s the over/under on this being the Dancing Baby grown up?

Either there’s just no previouslies this week, or the showrunners realized this season is so repetitive that we don’t need them. So onwards and upwards, to VONDA singing “The Rainbow Connection”. I love that song, so I’m on board, but my mellow is harshed by seeing Ally walking with Butters at the hospital, floating above the ground like before. She tells him she thought about becoming a doctor, but she doesn’t like death, blood, or scrubs. I mean, you don’t really like any of the stuff for the job you do have, either. Ling walks in and Ally falls from the heavens so she can introduce her to Butters. Ling whimsically morphs into a Predator before leaving, bumping into a wheelchair and chiding the crippled person. Butters heads off to the room of a bald Haley Joel Osment, and Ally follows him in. HJO sees Ally bathed in white light, and tells Butters he’s seeing an angel. Butters introduces her to the kid, Eric, and Ally lets him know that she’s not otherworldly, but “sometimes I’m sweet”. He takes her hand and asks her if it’s time to go.

(Side note of interest to Hamilton fans: when I was confirming that our guest star can see dead people, I caught Renee Elise Goldberry’s name in the cast list, as she was one of VONDA’s regular Ikettes. You’ve come a long way, my friend.)

S2E12: Love is Cray

Sexay!

Previously: Butters came back, Cage and Nelle’s nonsense continued, Richard and Ling had a complicated thing, Ally liked her lips

VONDA sings over some establishing shots of Boston, then we see Ally and Butters walking down the street. He says he didn’t date anyone in Chicago and asks if Ally did, but she says she can’t remember. They arrive at her place, and she says she’d invite him in but he’d probably sing a duet with Renee. They stare dreamily at each other and their tongues get whimsically long. Ally tells him to call her.

Apparently at some point Portia and Lucy made the opening credits! If I can’t get one without the other, I guess I’ll keep them both. Post-credits, Ally fills Renee in on her date with Butters, and is whimsically floating because he’s cool with taking things slow. She floats all the way in to work, where Richard calls her and Billy into the conference room for a new client. Ling approaches, crashing Ally back to earth. Billy tells Ally that Ling is suing the environment…

And we cut to the conference room, where Georgia asks Nelle how that’s possible. Nelle says that activists have argued that trees have rights, so if the tree can sue you, why not vice versa? Georgia asks why they have to be the lawyers to do this, and Nelle makes a joke about distracting her so she can go after Billy. Richard announces the new client (and we hear nothing more about the tree suit, so I guess that was supposed to be a funny one-off?): a woman named Kimberly Goodman is in a dispute with her husband, who wants to annul their marriage due to his mental incompetence. See, he’s a sex addict, and was thinking with his other head when they got married. Georgia thinks Richard is making this up, but he goes ahead and declares himself first chair, roping Ally in to help.

S2E11: Oh Boy, Sleep! That’s Where I’m a Wife!

Thankfully, this week’s CGI is supposed to look surreal.

Previously: Butters was around and Ally was besotted, Nelle and Cage dated (KILL THIS PLOTLINE PLEASE?), Cage had weird habits, Butters left and Ally got neurotic about it

Ally is quiet for once as she sleeps peacefully with a new inflatable man, but she’s woken by the phone ringing. Someone on the other end asks about “Bria Tolson”, and she says she’ll be right there. Renee is up too, and Ally tells her that her former teacher is in the hospital. Renee asks if she can borrow the inflatable guy while Ally’s gone, and they banter about spinster survival tools.

Ally arrives at the hospital and greets Bria, and I think 12 seconds in is the shortest we’ve ever had to wait for a new character name. Bria thanks her for coming and mentions how beautiful she is, then introduces her to the priest (Robert) near her bed, who’s the one who actually made the call. We find out Bria was Ally’s high school teacher, and she asks what happened to “that sweetheart of yours”. Unlike the rest of us, she’s sorry to hear that Ally is no longer with Billy, and tells Robert that they once smelled each others’ butts, per the pilot. Ally turns Whimsy Red (Pantone Color of the Year 1999).

Bria says she needs to rest and falls asleep, giving Robert the chance to pull Ally aside and tell her the doctors don’t give Bria much time. Bria has started sleep-talking about “Henry” bringing her flowers, and Ally tunes in to the situation. She tells Robert that Bria used to have a dream about someone named Henry Lane, and they were in love. He only existed in her dreams, and she would cry when she woke up. Oh man, the romantic insanity is going to be off the charts this ep. Bria wakes up and tells Ally not to let “them” keep her alive, and to promise to let her go when it’s time. (They don’t say it until later, but she has ALS– the fact that her illness is incurable will become relevant.)

S2E10: My Horn Can Pierce the Law!

Hello? Yes this is Lawyer.

Previously: Cage and Nelle had a weird thing going, Renee ran into Matt, Ally had whimsy moments, Renee went out with Matt, Nelle kissed Cage.

VONDA sings us into this season’s Christmas episode with Silver Bells over the snowy landscape of Boston. Nelle stops by Cage’s office in a little black dress, since she’s going to a client’s Christmas party, to let him know she’ll finish her project tomorrow. But Cage feels the heart drums, so he follows her out. She’s in the main office area looking at paperwork, under the mistletoe, and he tries to sneak up on her (to VONDA singing a jazzy version of Silent Night), pretending to do other things when she looks over at him. She finally turns around and asks what he’s doing, and figures out he wanted to kiss her. Why did he need to be sneaky about it though? Whatever the deal is, they’re interrupted by Richard, who has an update about the firm party. Then he is interrupted by Billy, who informs everyone that Sheldon Maxwell just got fired. There’s reference to this guy being a big trader, and Richard calls everyone in to work on ANOTHER wrongful termination case.

Post-credits, Ally storms into the office, as she’s supposed to be at Renee’s party right now. Elaine catches her up: Sheldon is C&F’s biggest client, so much so that his business supported the very opening of the firm. Ally trips on her way into the conference room, where Sheldon is seated with everyone, and when things resume, we get the rest of the details. Sheldon is a bit cagey in telling his attorneys that his employer thinks he’s lost his mind, since two days ago he saw a unicorn in his office. Ally is struck by this admission, and he adds that the problem is that he told people about the sighting, as well as the fact that he saw one last year at his house. Richard asks if anyone is up on unicorn law, and Billy volunteers, pulling Ally in as well. There’s a bit where Billy asks about precedent with a kid who thought he was Pinocchio, who turns out to be Cage, and as far as I can tell it’s only in there to remind us that Cage is quirky.

S2E9: Deja Vu

Only one of these women is actually injured. Guess which one.

Previously: Tracy made Ally get a theme song, Cage liked Nelle but was awkward, Elaine slut-shamed Ally, who has dumped and been dumped many times, Ally picked “Tell Him” as her theme song, Tracy had hope for Ally. (Tracy won’t be in this ep, in case you had your hopes up.)

“Tell Him” plays and Ally tries to dance around to it in her living room, but it keeps fizzling out. Maybe she should just play the song for real instead of in her head? Frustrated, she flings a pillow and hits the entering Renee. Renee asks what’s wrong, and Ally yells that it’s a Thanksgiving ritual. She’s giving thanks for having a full life, somebody to love, getting to be a lawyer, dating terrible men, not having anyone to tickle her back, and knowing Christmas comes next. Obviously all this is said in a tone that implies that she doesn’t really have anything, which is bullshit, so I’m with Renee when she just stares at her.

The credits transport us over to C&F, where Richard is chasing Ling around his office as she throws off his attempted terms of endearment. She’s bringing another lawsuit that he doesn’t believe in, something about sexual harassment, and she refuses to settle. Cut to the Unisex, where Ally, Billy and Georgia all yell at Richard about taking this case. Ally says ridiculous cases are supposed to go to Georgia, and Billy says they have to draw the line somewhere. Ling enters and overhears Billy suggesting that Richard is doing this for leverage to sleep with her. Richard is quick to reassure her that it’s actually because she’s a cash cow for the firm. Ally knows more about the case than we do, and tells Ling that it’s crazy to sue a man because you think he’s having sexual thoughts, without proof of anything. Ling says she thought that she and Ally were friends and Ally laughs in response, so Ling leaves to seek comfort with Nelle.

S2E8: Martyrs and Mud-Slinging

Previously: Ling was around, generally, and started a lot of law suits, Elaine had a bunch of different inventions, Ally dumped Fitzy.

Short pre-credits scene this ep: Elaine and Ally appear to be messing around with the remote flusher when they and Georgia get bad vibes all of a sudden. Creepy music plays and Ling steps out of the elevator. As soon as she’s out of earshot, the ladies all go, “She’s baaaackk”, but she was definitely in the last episode so, um, good one?

Now let’s get to some actual development: Richard enters Nelle’s office, just as Ling is telling her that she’s overwrought. She’s the one being taken to court this time, as a Million Moms type group is trying to shut down her mud-wrestling club, on the basis of a nuisance complaint. Don’t worry, you didn’t miss anything, Richard didn’t know she owned a mud-wrestling club either. Ling pouts, asking why everyone is out to get her.

At a staff meeting a bit later, Richard lays out the case for everyone: the group, Mothers Opposed to Pornographic Entertainment, thinks the club destroys the nature of their community. Ally gets shitty about the “tramps” that work at a place like that, and yet Richard decides to put her on the case, along with Georgia and Nelle. He’s assuming that MOPE will use the “degradation of women cliche”, so he figures the female lawyers will have better luck. Oh, plus he hasn’t been able to sleep with Ling yet, so anything he can do to help his case. Nelle says the judge will want a hearing, so someone should check out the club, but when she volunteers Billy for this task, Georgia objects vehemently. Nelle tries to point out that these kind of places are for married men, but in the end they decide that Richard and Cage will be their spies.