S1E10: The Ends Justify the Teens

Previously: A whole lot of… something. Also, VM means voicemail. 

Velma Voiceover reminds us, IN CASE YOU MISSED IT BECAUSE IT WAS REVEALED IN A TAG, that Diya is the serial killer. We see Diya being driven off in a police car. Velma VO doesn’t think it makes sense– why would Diya try to recreate Perdue’s work? Unfortunately, nobody else agrees with her. More VO about Velma needing to talk to Diya, as embodied Velma stops at the police station where an auction is in progress, and the current item up for bidding is the Mystery Jalopy. Norville runs up to Velma and asks if she has a comment on a hit piece out about her that he apparently wrote (“Velma Even Crazier Than Her Mother!”). VO notes that to make everything worse, she’s also lost her best friends. Velma apologizes for accusing Dadville of murder. Daphne pops in and tells Norville that Velma needs them right now. Velma isn’t happy with her, though, and snipes at her about kissing Fred. She goes to kick Daphne’s ass, but Daphne pins her to the ground. 

Cut to Velma with a black eye in the police station. She asks Cop Moms if she can question her “obviously innocent mom” now, but it’s a no go. They show her an interrogation tape of Diya with the sheriff. The sheriff calls her Doodad, which is a joke from the pilot that totally merited a callback. He asks her which of the checklist reasons for female murderers she’d like to use: “revenge, jealousy, or ‘you know how we get!’”. Diya’s eyes get weird as she says that her reason was that she wanted to put a popular girl’s brain into Velma’s head. Velma is shocked. Cop Moms pause the tape, and she asks why Diya pretended to have amnesia and framed Velma for the first bodies, if she’s just going ahead and confessing now. They don’t know, but the thing is, now that Diya has confessed, this afternoon she’ll be sentenced to death row. Well that’s ridiculously fast. Velma asks for five minutes with her. As the sheriff peers through the blinds in his office, Wanda Mom tells her that the only way he’ll let her near her mom’s cell is if she’s also arrested. Velma is intrigued and starts scheming. Wanda mom clarifies that he’s so paranoid about her talking to Diya that the only thing he’d arrest her for is… murder. Oh perfect, another episode based on the formula that ticking clock + contrived circumstance = plot.

S1E9: You Say You Want a Convolution

At the hospital, Olive has just finished getting a replacement butt-lift when she’s knocked over by Diya being rushed in. Velma & co (all the teens and parents) burst in after her. Aman sits at her bedside, so I’m guessing they haven’t caught up yet. Velma summarizes that Diya doesn’t remember who took her and the girls, because she has amnesia. Velma asks the doctor if amnesia is curable, and Dadville tries to answer. Velma tells him that “just being a white guy with a clipboard doesn’t cut it anymore”, but the actual doctor can’t answer anyway, because insurance only covers the diagnosis. 

So it’s up to Dadville, who informs everyone that Diya constructed a mental wall to block out the last two years. If the memories are going to come back at all, it will be within 72 hours. Otherwise, they’re gone forever. What kind of crap-ass mental science is this?? Oh, also, Diya has to be happy/not upset, or the memories also won’t come back. I legitimately don’t know if I would be more irritated if they got meta about this contrived “plot” instead of just letting it ride all episode. Velma immediately buys into this though, realizing she’ll have to lie her ass off. Sophie approaches holding Amanda, so of course Diya asks Aman why “the Spooner’s waitress who used to flirt with you” is here. Sophie is surprised Aman hasn’t told her anything. Velma quickly covers by claiming that Sophie is just a spare rando, in case Diya needs an organ, and pushes her out of the room. 

S1E8: Flashbacks Flashbacks Flashback, Flashback Flashbacks’ Flashbacks

Previously: Velma was my third least favorite show.

We kick off with another kindergarten flashback, this time of Velma and Daphne meeting. Velma VO tells us that they were quickly best friends, until Daphne got hot and they hit a rough patch, which is brand new information. But now, the voiceover finishes as Velma de-Mannys her hair outside the festival, things are back to how they should be. Velma wants to continue her convo with Daphne, but she’s intercepted by Fred’s Mother, who calls her Thelma and asks her to find Fred. The logic behind this is that Velma’s “people are great at tracking”, so Velma has to decline while reminding her that she’s not Navajo. She grabs Daphne away from chatting with Olive, and they agree they’re really glad to be friends again. Cut to a title card of “2 DAYS LATER”. In some kind of ravine or cave, Velma yells at Daphne that she’s mad they’re friends, and they’re going to die because of her. 

After the title’s title-card pause, we’re back to Daphne trying to blame Velma for the situation, wherein they’re pinned by a rock in a ravine. Velma denies that anything is ever her fault. That tracks. Cut BACK to: “2 DAYS EARLIER: DAPHNE’S FLASHBACK”. Cop Moms drive Velma and Daphne home from the festival as Velma tries to hack the killer’s phone. Daphne is on what appears to be Olive’s Instagram and not paying much attention, which Velma finds irritating. She pops into the front seat to ask Cop Moms if they can hack the phone, on account of them being cops. Wanda Mom says they can’t without proof of ownership, but maybe Daphne could help, because of “The Incident”. Daphne whines at her warningly. Velma asks what this incident is, and Daphne tries to brush it off by noticing all the homeless people outside. I hadn’t realized that the meta had lightened up recently until it came roaring back this episode: “Wouldn’t you agree that the strongest use of flashbacks on TV is when one character’s flashback is intercut with another’s to eventually combine in the present storyline?” Daphne asks. I DO agree, or I thought I did, but that is not really what they end up doing so nyeh. Velma and Jane Mom accuse Daphne of changing the subject. There’s more meta commentary about flashbacks, but they get me back on board a little by cutting Velma off in the middle of “WHAT IS THE INCIDEN–”

Title card: “FRED: SAME TIME AS DAPHNE’S FLASHBACK”. Hang on, let me make a chart. Fred wakes up in a lab-type room with a stone floor. It looks smaller than the basement lab from his house. He pounds on the door and yells about his parents not agreeing to any ransoms. He also claims to have a brother? We’ll see if that ever comes up again. A voice asks Fred if it’s him, and he recognizes it as Brenda. He turns and says that he was at her funeral as he approaches the talking… brains. Brains in green liquid in science jars. Attached to wires so that voices come out of the jars. The brains point out that they consist of Brenda, Krista, and Lola, then start arguing cattily. Fred stares, then screams, then faints. 

S1E7: You are Fog King Killing Me

I regret to inform you that the previouslies actually taught me something this time: the dramatic figure that grabbed Diya in Momville’s flashback was the same one that got Carol in the tag. But that’s ALL the credit I’m willing to give.

Things are looking up! Velma can finally uncover her murder board because her hallucinations have been cured. The first piece of the puzzle is to figure out the meaning behind “JINKIES”. Velma grabs her rolled up paper labeled SPIDER KILLER and ventures into the closet to dig out Diya’s old manuscripts. Unfortunately, they are both uninformative and boring. Velma ignores calls from Daphne as she checks out a JINKIES license plate, which just belongs to a garbage truck, and JiNKies the party clown, who has… hung himself. Okay, maybe not looking up for everyone. Velma returns home as fog gathers outside, where she also manages to dodge Daphne in person. Aman is also just getting home, and he and Daphne worriedly watch Velma enter the house, where she finds… a dead body! TITLE CARD!

Aman runs in and confirms that they did what I didn’t think they’d dare to do: they killed off Sophie! Just as I’m starting to be impressed by this Dexter level of commitment, Velma sees a message in blood on the wall: “Aman, will you go to the Crystal Cove Fog Festival with me?” Sophie jumps up, revealing that this was all some sort of promposal. Booooo you cowards! Velma grabs a lamp to beat back the “undead” demon, but Aman stops her to correct me that this is in fact a “fogposal”. Velma seems confused about this very popular local festival, so that Aman can remind us all that the Fog Festival celebrates Crystal Cove’s spooky fog, and includes the crowning of a Fog Queen and King. 

Velma IS aware of all this, but she doesn’t understand why it’s still on with a serial killer out and about. She notes that curfew has been working in terms of nobody getting murdered lately. Aman announces that curfew is over and unfurls a newspaper to show her an article written by Momville. She’s written that there is no serial killer, because the murderous entity is actually the ghost of Edna Perdue, back to finish her work. Aman clarifies that curfew can’t stop a ghost. Velma thinks this is crazy: “people would rather believe in a ghost than stay inside for a few nights, just so they can party?” Is this a COVID metaphor? Sophie assures her that as a protective measure, no girl will be admitted to Fog Fest without a date to protect them. Velma is irritated that the festival is sexist now, but figures that the police will enforce curfew at least, because no way they believe in ghosts. Right on cue, red and blue lights flash outside. The sheriff is driving around announcing that the serial killer is a ghost, and that’s why the murderer hasn’t been caught yet. 

S1E6: Love Means Never Having to Ask Your Dad About Your Mom’s Disappearance

I’m just skipping the previouslies now, they seem to be of no use to me. Feels weird without an intro though, so I’ll type out a few more words up here. 

As per usual, Velma Voiceover starts us off, saying that nothing is teenagers’ fault, it’s always their parents. They’re either lying (Daphne takes a sticker off her family pic to see a banner that says “Our Baby Girl Taken from the Crystal Mines Gang”), trying to change us (Father forces Fred to swap out his copy of “Yas Queens Throughout History” for a rifle and a glass of whiskey), or hiding a family secret (Momville and Dadville pull out a box labeled “Edna”). She finishes that HER dad is the crappiest parent. At home, she calls to him that she needs to get to school early to meet with Momville. It sounds like he’s agreeing, but it turns out he’s just really into the pictures he’s taking of Sophie and the baby. The three of them are decked out in what looks like LL Bean’s finest, so Velma asks what’s happening. Aman tells her that he’s taking paternity leave, and today they’re going hiking!. Velma notes that he never did any of that for her, but Sophie explains that Amanda’s birth made him realize that he needs better work-life balance, or he could mess up this kid like… you know. 

I guess Norville is unavailable to give rides to school, because Velma is traveling by foot when Fred pulls up in (the back of) his limo and offers her a ride. Father immediately pops out to reject this idea, and asks why they would help Velma anyway. Fred admits that he likes her now, asking his dad if he’s heard of inner beauty. Father calls it a myth and they drive off. Velma observes that at least her relationship with her dad isn’t THAT bad, just in time for him and his new family to drive by and splash mud on her. 

S1E5: Of Mines and (Cave)Men

This is the first episode I’ve watched solely for the purpose of recapping, which means it’s also the first one I haven’t seen twice. I am… okay with this.

Velma paces her messy bedroom as Velma Voiceover complains about friends not texting you back. We see she’s been text-spamming Norville, and VO continues that she might actually die of him not responding, because her hallucinations are so bad that she can’t even look at her murder board. She glances next door to see Daphne, who’s looking at a website that says “CRYSTAL MINES – CLOSED”. Hard to tell if she’s obsessing over the little info she can find, or only finding profoundly unhelpful sites. Velma thinks that she can’t sub Daphne in for Norville, because she’s too distracted by her attraction to her. Velma’s anxiety ramps up between the crush and hallucination energies, and she text-yells at Norville. 

Since said friend is MIA, Velma enters the kitchen to ask her dad for a ride to school. He claims he doesn’t have time, because Sophie and the baby are coming home the next day. He pulls out a rack of costumes as part of his explanation that he has to be at the hospital overnight for a photoshoot with her and the nursing staff. Velma can’t believe he’s leaving her home alone with a murderer on the loose. He reminds her that actually, she has the marching bad sleepover tonight. Now she feels really abandoned. 

I’ll just mention again here that I played flute in high school and college, and yes, that included marching band. This means that some of this episode’s dumb crap goes from business to personal. If they wanted me to like the show, they should have gone after intramural lacrosse.

S1E4: My Hatred This Amasses!

Previously: Could be relevant, could be The Void, I don’t look over there anymore.

Velma Voiceover tells us that she was never that popular, over a flashback of Velma growing up: drawing a monster, pretending to be a corpse on the playground, and re-animating the pig that she’s meant to be dissecting. See, she “never seemed to really fit in with the other girls”, and if you had “not like other girls” on your protagonist Bingo card, cross that sucker off! But she’s still suffering the effects of being weird today. The town is having a “Two Weeks Murder Free” celebration at town hall, where Velma and Norville are both in attendance with the marching band. Velma plays flute because of course she does (I say as a high school flutist). She’s shoved aside by Olive and other Hot Friends. Velma pouts that she hates hot girls. Norville makes a reference to the Daphne thing, but luckily doesn’t get too far into it before a woman runs up and says she just found another dead girl! Everyone scatters. The mayor mostly seems peeved that their banner is wrong now.

Inside town hall later that night, the mayor announces that with this murder, Fred has been exonerated and released, seeing as he was locked up when it happened. The bad news is, the real murderer is still out there. Velma has a question, and sadly it’s not “How dare you?“: she wants to know why nobody cared this much about Diya. Everyone shouts at her. The Sheriff, who strongly resembles Don Knotts, comes onstage and calls Velma mouthy before announcing a breakthrough. They’ve found the killer’s pattern, which is that each of the victims is hot. Side note that the mayor is played by Jim Rash and the sheriff is Stephen Root, and I weep at the continued waste of talent on this show. 

S1E3: A Kiss with a Hand May Imply Something Mental

I’m officially BEC about this show, so when the previouslies end on the kissing clip in one evidence board picture, and then Velma pins up another picture with this episode’s first scene, and it’s almost exactly the same, so it looks like two pictures of the same thing which you wouldn’t do on an evidence board– I’m annoyed, to say the least. It’s cool, it’s going great.

But in THIS episode, Daphne and Velma separate after their kiss. Daphne brusquely wishes Velma luck with her mom and strides off. Velma asks aloud what the hell just happened. She proceeds to Bojack-intro her way through the night and her morning routine, so distracted that she mistakes deodorant for hairbrush, pants for shirts, etc. Voiceover agrees to talk about “the only thing you’ve ever really wanted to know about me: Is Velma Dinkley g-g-g-g-ga–” 

– and Aman snaps her out of it by tossing water in her face. They’re treating “Velma could be a lesbian” as a great unsolved mystery of the Scooby Doo universe, even though at most I think it was just a meme that got kicked around for a while. Remember they broadcast this thread back in the pilot, as if it were a delightful breadcrumb? Anyway, they don’t actually want to answer the question, as Aman now asks Velma what’s wrong with her. She apologizes, mentions the thing about Diya having gone to Fred’s house, and leaves the house wearing only underwear, and pants as a shirt. 

S1E2: On TV When They Make A Reference to TV, It Gets Really Annoying

Previouslies: the only thing I’ll say about these is that they have a cute format where the previous scenes are pictures on an evidence board. I don’t care to remember things from more than the episode I’m currently on.

So, onward! We pick up where we left off, as the Cop Moms lead a robe-clad Fred (who is still bleeding from his shins, but will be fine after this scene) out of his fancy mansion. His stately and appropriately rich-looking parents watch from the doorway, and two small fluffy white dogs start lapping up blood. (Okay fine, that bit got me.) Velma Voiceover reminds us that Fred hasn’t gone through puberty, so that his robe can blow open and all the onlookers can gasp. His father runs over to assure everyone that “it’s not small, it’s scared!” 

Velma keeps VOing about how everyone has secrets: Norville swings a sword around in his bedroom, Daphne stashes stacks of cash in her beanbag chair, and she and Velma separately unearth halves of a BFF necklace. 

Over to what turns out to be a commercial, as a muscled naked man struts down the street, much to the shock of passersby. A non-Velma voiceover clues us in to the fact that it’s an ad for Fred’s family company, Jones Gentlemen’s Accessories: “What are you, poor?” I am amused that this would also be fitting as a tagline for a Dennis Reynolds enterprise. The ad is part of a news segment that Velma is watching about Fred’s arrest. She makes sure to note to the empty room that it was thanks to her. The anchor isn’t far behind: “And Jones would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for his classmate, Vermin Dorkley.” See! Subtle nods are good! *whispers* Subtle!!!

S1E1: Are We Still Doing Clever Titles? (I’m Very Meta)

Slow zoom out on a yellow turtleneck, then a pan over a messy room filled with “smart kid stuff”, as Mindy Kaling’s voice tells us that we’re going to hear an origin story, only not one about “tall handsome guys with even more power”. In fact, these are “the bone-chilling events that drove me to assemble the greatest team of spooky mystery solvers ever”. I’m recording that description verbatim because I’m four episodes in, and I’m not convinced that it’s accurate about the events OR the team. “And it starts with a murder, bitch!” she finishes. Ooh, edgy. 

We’re swept to Crystal Cove High School, and a grungy locker room therein. A girl in a shower cap and a towel is disgusted by a cockroach, at which point another cockroach emerges from a chip bag and starts… humping the first one. Shower Cap declares that this school sucks, which is true if it’s giving the students the impression that that’s how insect sex works. (Yes, I had to look up cockroach mating to make this point. It turns out it’s butt-to-butt.) As she heads toward the showers, a combat boot enters the frame to smoosh the roaches dead.

The shower area is fittingly steamy, as Shower Cap asks if anyone has noticed how TV pilots always have more sex and nudity than the rest of the series. And lo and behold, the other showering girls are naked, to the extent allowed on an adult animated “comedy”. Many breasts on display, but nipples strategically covered by suds, as you do.

OKAY. We’ve made it less than FIVE MINUTES into this show and it’s already brandishing one of its major problems. I’m almost certain I linked this in an Ally recap at some point, but 11 years and hundreds of shows later, this blogspot post is still the most succinct summary of this phenomena:

“Yes, “Glee,” very good. You’ve located the problem. But, alas, herein lies the rub. “Glee” may be meta and apologize for its shortcomings, but if it then doesn’t do anything to change its shortcomings, it doesn’t really matter. Saying you’re sorry and still doing it anyway doesn’t make things better.”

The twist here– the part of it where Ally McBeal scores extra points comparatively, which surprises me, too– is that Velma hasn’t even established itself to any extent for it to be meta ABOUT. That’s almost impressive. It’s deploying meta so early that it’s cutting itself off at the knees before it can have any personality of its own. This weird meta-loop will not get better as we go on, unfortunately.