S1E4: My Hatred This Amasses!

Previously: Could be relevant, could be The Void, I don’t look over there anymore.

Velma Voiceover tells us that she was never that popular, over a flashback of Velma growing up: drawing a monster, pretending to be a corpse on the playground, and re-animating the pig that she’s meant to be dissecting. See, she “never seemed to really fit in with the other girls”, and if you had “not like other girls” on your protagonist Bingo card, cross that sucker off! But she’s still suffering the effects of being weird today. The town is having a “Two Weeks Murder Free” celebration at town hall, where Velma and Norville are both in attendance with the marching band. Velma plays flute because of course she does (I say as a high school flutist). She’s shoved aside by Olive and other Hot Friends. Velma pouts that she hates hot girls. Norville makes a reference to the Daphne thing, but luckily doesn’t get too far into it before a woman runs up and says she just found another dead girl! Everyone scatters. The mayor mostly seems peeved that their banner is wrong now.

Inside town hall later that night, the mayor announces that with this murder, Fred has been exonerated and released, seeing as he was locked up when it happened. The bad news is, the real murderer is still out there. Velma has a question, and sadly it’s not “How dare you?“: she wants to know why nobody cared this much about Diya. Everyone shouts at her. The Sheriff, who strongly resembles Don Knotts, comes onstage and calls Velma mouthy before announcing a breakthrough. They’ve found the killer’s pattern, which is that each of the victims is hot. Side note that the mayor is played by Jim Rash and the sheriff is Stephen Root, and I weep at the continued waste of talent on this show. 

A man in an army uniform stands up and his stupid joke name tag at least makes my description easy because it says “GIGISFATHER” (Gigi being one of the Hot Friends). He asks if it’s true that “life is now even harder for beautiful girls”. Cop Moms immediately look concerned for Daphne. Sadly it is true, but even sadder is that the town doesn’t have the budget to protect every student. So what they’ll do is, figure out the five hottest girls at school, and give each one a personal police detail. I want to say from minute three or whatever time it is that none of this moronic plotline makes sense from the very beginning, it’s not the woke stuff later on that makes it insufferable. Velma is now mad that it’s “middle-aged white dudes” who get to decide who’s the hottest. The mayor suggests maybe Velma should make the list, and she declares she’d rather die, managing to offend everyone in the hall. The mayor has made a few logic jumps and now announces that if Velma doesn’t make the list, more girls will be murdered, and the town’s tourism economy will tank. Everyone but Daphne looks enraged. Velma reminds them all that “rating hot girls is exactly how the Trojan War and Facebook started”, and well, I can’t argue with that one. 

Daphne catches Velma outside to thank her “on behalf of hot girls everywhere”. When they hug they both blush, so Daphne has to bring up the friend agreement to cool things off. It’s especially necessary, apparently, because Daphne finally has enough money to hire a detective to find her birth parents. Not sure why you couldn’t have a girlfriend for that but okay. Velma points out her own credentials as a detective, and instead of telling the truth that she’s a pretty crummy one, Daphne tells her she has enough to worry about. Velma tries to get Daphne to make the list for her, but she doesn’t want to have to decide which one of her friends get to live. Too bad there’s not ANY OTHER SOLUTION for a serial murderer. Velma gets flirty by claiming that nobody is as hot as Daphne, but the moment is interrupted by Olive warning Velma that “us bitches will do anything” to get on the list. Several girls pose seductively in the town hall doorway. Daphne wishes Velma good luck.

Off we go into a montage where all the hot girls at school try to curry Velma’s favor by proving their hotness. We get hair flips, T-shirts, campaign posters, Gigi setting off the sprinklers so she can dance around in them, and one girl doing stripper moves on the football goalpost and knocking it over. She manages to destroy the marching band instruments in the ensuing chaos. I hate all of this, it’s all male-gaze focused and all results in drooling boys ogling them. Again, nothing that less self-satisfied shows don’t already do all the time. 

In the band room after the goalpost incident, there are many sad band geeks trying to repair their instruments. An entire SEVERED FOOT pops out of the tuba. Hey! Knock it off! You can’t have your central plotline be murder and then just have severed limbs around to be “funny”! Pick a damn reality! Velma and Norville seem unaffected though, Velma still being distracted by the list. Right now all five slots are filled by Daphne. Norville tries to relate this project to Velma coming out, but she insists that she did no such thing. It’s just that she’s attracted to Daphne AND Fred, you see. It’s so weird that the writers of this show have a dictionary with nothing between the entries for “bisetose” and “Bishareen”. Velma muses over her unexplainable attraction to Daphne, but Norville would like if she COULD explain it so he… or someone… could emulate Daphne’s personality maybe, no reason. Velma gets mad and launches into a rant that seems written specifically for Tucker Carlson to mock:

• The problem with the list is that men make everything about them and what they want
• Guys tell girls there’s a right way to be hot, and she’s not it
• Society wants women to be ashamed of their bodies– kids draw penises but none of them draw vaginas (??)
• The list is making her choose between validating male beauty norms or more girls dying

Norville suspects his Top 5 list won’t contribute much (we flash to it, it’s all Velma), but they realize they know someone who could help. 

Cut to Fred, fresh out of prison, meeting Velma at Spooner’s. She’s clearly very into him still, but he’s not even sure why he’s here. Velma tells him about the hot girl list. He’s not sure he wants to participate, seeing as he got suspended when he did that for his science project last year. When Velma explains that it’s about the murders, he realizes it’s basically charity work and could help restore his image. Fred lays out the yearbook Velma gives him and goes into A Beautiful Mind mode, with a bunch of floating calculations. He intensely scribbles out a list and is left exhausted: Daphne, Olive, Gigi, Becca, and Kimmy. Kimmy’s picture is of a girl in a hoodie with messy hair, so Velma asks if it’s an inner-beauty thing. Fred corrects her that it’s actually a “huge cans thing”. Velma at least has enough pride to be irritated by this, so she gives Fred a copy of The Feminist Mystique on her way out. He’s pumped because he assumes it’s about X-Men. 

Daphne has apparently been calling private eyes and is striking out. She grabs her stuff to leave her room, but Cop Moms have locked the door, explaining that she’s too hot to be out in the world unprotected. Norville has shown up though, and is allowed entrance. He lies that he’s writing an article for the paper, which is an obvious cover to research Daphne’s personality to woo Velma. Daphne notes that she didn’t know they had a newspaper. He jots down “dumb”. A rock suddenly flies through the window behind Daphne. She goes over to yell at the perpetrator, but nobody is outside. Norville realizes the “rock” is actually a geode from the Crystal Mines, which is apparently an old tourist attraction. 

Velma resignedly hands over the hot girl list to the mayor and sheriff, griping that “if society devoted half this effort to teaching girls not to be slaves to the patriarchy, we wouldn’t have this problem in the first place”. I keep quoting these because the extent to which this episode is a women’s studies course is almost impressive. I should get college credit for this recap. When the sheriff calls her a know-it-all, the mayor gets an idea: if the serial killer only wants hot girls, Velma can teach them to be NOT hot! You know, like her! Velma is immediately excited to release her classmates “from the shackles of the male gaze”, exactly like the show has not done so far. Or as the mayor/sheriff call it, “uggo lessons”. 

The non-Daphne girls arrive at Velma’s house. Kimmy of the “inner beauty” designation is not wearing a hoodie, like in her yearbook picture, but a low-cut top, because fuck whatever internal lore we laid down five minutes ago I guess. The girls are all mad at Velma for losing them their police details to do this instead. Velma notes that Daphne isn’t coming because of her moms being so overprotective. So… are they assuming she’ll never leave her house and is safe? Does she not need Hot Girl Protection? Never mind, this deserves no critical thinking. The other girls aren’t sure what to do without Daphne’s lead to follow. Velma thinks that could work for them, because not fitting in is already less hot. 

Norville and Daphne sneakily sneak out of the house once her moms leave. In Norville’s car, apparently he’s explained to Daphne that geodes are “the hot girls of rocks”. He wonders whether maybe this is a convoluted plan on the part of the serial killer to lure Daphne out of the house. She segues from everyone being grateful if they catch the murderer to Velma being grateful to Norville, implying that she knows about his crush. He adds “manipulative” to his Daphne List, along with “dumb” and “crass”. 

In the park, Fred has just finished The Feminine Mystique. He is predictably bummed by the lack of shape-shifting mutants. He male-gazes a young woman on the grass, then catches sight of a middle-aged woman painting on an easel: “Sensible shoes, forging her own identity regardless of what society expects, she’s just got this kind of mystique,” he observes. Suddenly, Fred becomes enlightened! He asks the book in horror what it’s done to him. 

“Man, I Feel Like a Woman” plays (they have really shelled out for expensive music rights) over Velma telling the hot girls that they have one day (another arbitrary deadline why not) “to unlearn a lifetime of internalized misogyny”. This includes trying to dork up Gigi with overalls, which just makes her look more relatable; getting them all to draw vaginas as has apparently been Velma’s lifelong dream; and all the hot girls getting out of the same shower in someone’s house simultaneously. Olive goes for the hair dryer, and is mortified when Velma tells her that the only options are “wet bun or cut it”. Apparently they all picked the non-cut option, as the next day Velma leads them into school sporting messy hair, glasses, bad hats, and stuff in their teeth. Mission accomplished? 

In blatant disregard of a logical timeline, Norville and Daphne arrive at the Crystal Cove Historical Society. Once they’ve cleared the dust off of the crystal mines exhibit, there’s a flashback in different animation styles as Norville explains that the mines were discovered in the 19th century, but the crystals were considered worthless until the 70s. For a little bit, the town flourished off of the crystal trend, but it faded in the 80s and Crystal Cove never recovered. In fact, the mines are closed today. Daphne looks at a framed picture of the mines and gets a feeling that she’s been there, as a baby. She flashes back to a dark figure handing her baby self a crystal. What if the geode was thrown by her birth parents? she wonders. As a way to contact her without her moms finding out?Wait…what? Norville jots down “COMPELLING BACKSTORY, EXCITED TO SEE WHERE THIS GOES!” Maybe he can explain it to me, then. Daphne runs off to go see the mines. 

Even though they’ve already been to school, Velma has prepared a grand unveiling of her project at the mayor’s office, with the girls hidden under a sheet. She holds up the before picture and announces that they’re about to see the difference between “damn” and “eh”. She pulls off the sheet, and they look exactly like the hot picture. Oscar-winning screenwriter Jim Rash is forced to say “They are so hot, daddy likey!” and I weep some more. Then he realizes they’re not SUPPOSED to be hot. You know, for their safety. Velma is surprised too, and asks the girls what happened. Olive accuses Velma of slut-shaming, not “deprogramming”, because “no woman should ever have to change who she is or how she dresses to not be murdered”. Olive acknowledges there’s more to her than looks, but also she loves looking hot, and tells Velma: “You think every girl deep down is like you, but you’re wrong. In fact, your definition of womanhood is even more restrictive than ours.” 

I read a theory that this show was specifically created to just stir up engagement, by pissing off both the conservatives (by mentioning anything not straight, white, and male) and the liberals (by making fun of “woke culture”). I don’t think there’s an actual ulterior motive behind it, it’s just extremely clunky attempted progressivism. But man, if you wanted to irritate me by doing it badly, well, you’ve gotten four recaps out of me so far, so it must have worked. At any rate, all the hot girls request their rightful police details. Gigi shoots a lingering look back at Velma as she leaves. Talented comedic actor Stephen Root has to say, “Mee-ow! Cat fight!” Weeping, etc. 

Later, Velma hears Olive’s words again as she gets out of the shower. She sighs and looks at herself in the mirror.

The next day, Sophie drops Velma off at school and notes that something is different. That something would be that Velma is wearing: 

• A blue wig
• An orange headband
• Elf ears
• Green lipstick
• Some kind of eyeliner that looks like a claw
• A confusing pink dress with Snow White style sleeves
• Yellow knee socks
• Soccer cleats

She laments that she doesn’t know how to be a woman in a way that doesn’t judge other women, so I guess her brain just completely shorted out instead. There’s a dumb exchange about who can call women “monsters” before Velma gives the TLDR: this is to show support “for all the beautiful ways women express themselves”. I know *I* feel supported! Sophie, much like me, lets out a guttural groan. Velma agrees that it’s upsetting to have to re-evaluate her beliefs. But Sophie, unlike me, is in labor. Velma tells her to call 911. Sophie says that they’re trapped in the carpool lane. Like the drop-off lane? The carpool lane would be fast. Also does nobody leave the school after the students have left the car? Then it’s not a carpool lane anymore. Look, if they’re going to be this stupid then so am I. Either way, this is a problem, and Velma has to get the cars to move to make room for the ambulance. 

Velma gets out of the car and spots the hot girl police details, who are hanging out with the sheriff. She tries to get his attention, but because she looks bizarre he assumes she’s the serial killer. Velma removes her makeup and explains that her dad’s “goomar” is having a baby, which the sheriff finds enchanting for some reason. Velma explains the implausible hurdle of the car situation. Sophie is now in active labor sitting on the sidewalk, propped up against the car. The sheriff gets on his speaker to tell everyone that there’s a labor going on, so of course they all go TOWARD her to crowd in and see. He even joins them himself. Velma is frustrated. 

The ambulance pulls up like fifteen feet behind where all this is happening, and Sophie could absolutely be carried over there, or any cars at all could move, like they definitely would when an active emergency vehicle pulled up. But we have to resolve feminism, so instead Velma asks Olive to help her so the ambulance can drive up. Olive points out that nobody is moving because “this is literally why social media exists”– everyone is taking pictures of poor Sophie. Velma wants the hot girls to “muster all of your sexiness and lure everyone away with a sexy dance”. Olive thinks Velma will just judge them again, so she’s not into it. Velma says if they won’t do it, she will, and attempts a half-hearted dance with some kind of chant that includes the phrase “I’m rolling on some gum”. Gigi yells at her that she has to own it: “You look like a white influencer trying to choreograph her own dance instead of just stealing one”. 

Velma says she’s not comfortable owning it, then has a completely unearned revelatory moment as she realizes, that’s the answer! “Just like how you’re all women who don’t want to own shorts that cover your butt, I’m a woman who doesn’t want to own it, and one isn’t better than the other”. Making sure I have this straight– hating yourself is feminism? Kimmy thinks she gets it, clarifying that “While we’re all juicy asses…” “I’m all sass and glasses, baby!” Velma finishes. Christ. She rips off her “every woman” ensemble to reveal her normal clothes underneath. 

Sophie yells at Velma to do something. Velma tells the girls to “do our respective yet equally valid things”. The hot girls dance, and honestly? It’s also embarrassing. But this time all the dudes stare dumbfounded and stumble away from Sophie like zombies. Velma plows through them, tackling some to the ground. Doesn’t she need them to clear the area, not to be extra speed bumps? While she’s doing this, Fred looks out the window of his idling limo to see Velma tossing people into the air, even though the last episode was about her specifically not being athletic. His newly-discovered Enlightened Filter triggers, prettifying Velma and displaying the equation, “leader + brilliant + knows herself = HOT???” But she’s none of those things! Seemingly by choice! Fred looks shocked at his realization. 

Oh but wait, the B-plot. I don’t know how many days it’s been for Velma, but Daphne and Norville have just arrived at the gated-off mines. Daphne definitely thinks she’s been there before, and that’s where all the answers are. Norville is sticking with the serial killer trap theory, because it’s too big of a coincidence. Daphne knows it’s risky but she has to try, partly because… she loves danger. We see the same flashbacks as the beginning of the episode, but this time we focus on Daphne: Little Daphne sets her drawing on fire and walks across the edge of the school roof; teen Daphne pickpockets a teacher distracted by Velma’s pig fire. Also she threatened Olive after she shoved Velma earlier this ep. In the present, Daphne confesses that despite her moms’ protectiveness, she’s danger-prone: fighting, dealing drugs, getting killer-trapped. She thinks finding her parents would explain why she’s like that. Norville crumples up his Daphne List– he hates danger, so he officially can’t imitate her well enough to win Velma over. Daphne promises there’s someone else for him out there. Dejected, he decides to leave. Daphne hesitates to go in alone, but Norville is adamant that he won’t ever solve a mystery in an abandoned amusement park. Okay, that’s cute. He asks if she’s coming, and after a moment she does. So much for those convoluted secrets. From inside the mine, a man chuckles, and a gloved hand emerges between planks boarding it up as the car drives away. 

Velma holds her baby sister in Sophie’s hospital room, with Aman asleep nearby. Sophie inexplicably tells her that she saved the day. You know what would be funny? If Velma tried her stupid plan and nothing happened, but after that the cars all moved, like they are wont to do for an AMBULANCE, and someone had to tell her that you can’t just do a feminism and expect to solve everything. But enough of my rewrites. Velma agrees that she was great today, like “the girl with the ponytail that’s on the quarter”. Didn’t we JUST imply she was brilliant? Sophie says she hopes the baby girl grows up to be like Velma… on the inside, at least. 

Velma tries to twerk at home but breaks the mirror. She declares it’s not for her. Her phone pings, and it’s a pic of Fred, in the bath. She realizes the actual Fred is also outside her window, with his shirt deeply unbuttoned. She thinks he made a mistake sending it to her, but nope! He wants Velma! He’s recognized her inner beauty because of the book, and asks her to “Hand Stuff Point”. Although Velma hasn’t read any seminal books this episode, her Enlightened Filter is also triggered, as she now sees that Fred consists of “handsome + popular outside < rude + dickhead inside = PROBLEMATIC”, an equation which defies both logic and mathematical operators. She tells him she also prefers inner beauty, and she used to find him attractive, but now she just thinks he’s gross. He’s shocked, because he’s rich! She closes the window and tells him she’ll keep the picture. 

Tag! In the school bathroom, Gigi is wearing a mesh top, the overalls from before, and purple lipstick. She sighs that “if Velma can be herself, so can you”. I refuse to believe anyone learns anything from Velma. Norville bumps into her as she leaves the bathroom, and there is blushing and flirting. Well there you go!