S1E14: No Touching!

(Lead Counsel: Zeke)

So what do we need to be reminded of this time? Well Richard has a thing for wattles, and Billy got mad at him for touching Georgia’s proto-wattle. Also Caroline Poop (uggggghhhh) called Georgia a Barbie doll and Ally desperately wants to get married.

Looks like that last point, at least, will be relevant, because this episode opens at a wedding. The groom is busy removing the bride’s garter with his teeth while the band plays a slow jazzy number that belongs in a New Orleans strip club. Ally and Renee are bridesmaids (K: who else are they even friends with?), and they discuss how gross the groom is. Why did the bride marry him? Because she turned 30, says Renee. The bride prepares to toss the bouquet, while Ally and Renee talk about how dumb this custom is and how they absolutely don’t care. I bet Ally is going to catch it. But when the bouquet flies, everything goes slow motion and Ride of the Valkyries plays as Ally brawls her way through the crowd to catch it. Called it. Ally contemplates sweet victory and that old lady she stiff armed, and it’s time for VONDA and the opening credits.

Back at their apartment, Ally and Renee are roasting marshmallows over the fire they’re using to burn their bridesmaid’s dresses. (K: They complain about how they’re the last ones to get married, so apparently that fear was a thing even before Facebook.) Ally says she wants this to be her last bridesmaid dress, which really makes no sense. Married women can be bridesmaids too; it’s not like all of her friends will stop getting married when she gets married. Oh, and of course there’s a case going on: Ally is representing a woman named Janie, who wants to marry a guy named Michael, who is serving a life sentence for terrorism charges. It’s 1997, so terrorism is still funny, you see. They discuss how crazy it is for a woman to want to marry this man (K: Renee: “She hit 30”, and as a 28-year-old woman I hope they don’t keep harping on this), and decide to blame Disney.

S1E13: The Penguin Returns

(Lead Counsel: Katie)

Previously: Ally had a one night stand with a nude model, Ally saw an Uncanny Baby, Renee wasn’t happy dealing with Ally’s imaginary friends.

We’re kicking off with Ally and Georgia on a plane. They whine that they’re having to ride coach for a work trip, when the captain announces some turbulence. It gets worse and worse until it’s the first scene of LOST, at which point Ally bolts up in bed because it was all a dream. (Z: Of course Ally is terrified of flying.) Renee runs in to check on her small child of a roommate, and Ally describes the dream back to her. Only apparently it went on after it cut off for us, because the plane hit the water and Georgia died. That’s an odd way to edit, show. (Z: Also less expensive.)

The next morning, Ally is guiltily (Z: Why?!?) recounting her dream for Georgia, when who should they bump into but Big Dick Dude! (Since he gets given at least one more characteristic this episode, I shall call him by his Christian name, Glen.) Ally is surprised, seeing as he had told her he was leaving the country, but she agrees to go out with him again. (Z: Despite the fact that she is really angry at him for no reason– she said herself that she just wanted to fuck him and move on.) I think this is how a lot of bad marriages start.

We cut over to court, and apparently the LOST dream was Ally’s work interfering with her subconscious: the C&F team is representing the (adult) children of a man who died in a plane crash in a lawsuit against the airline. Cage says that while they don’t know exactly why the plane crashed, the idea of justice here is “res ipsa loquitur”, or “the thing speaks for itself”. He makes the jury repeat it back to him, because apparently a convincing argument can be just having the jurors echo your legal strategy.

S1E12: Ooga Chaka Ooga Chaka

(Lead Counsel: Zeke)

Man, was it hard to choose a picture for this one, there was so much weirdness. I feel bad we had to throw this week’s Fabio love interest over in favor of the hallucinations, but that’s just what kind of episode we’re dealing with here.

But once more unto the breach!

Oh man does this episode have some stuff to remind us about. Remember how Ally wants to break down the cage of gender roles she finds herself in…after she gets married and has 2.5 kids? Remember how Ally has a strategic contraceptive jelly reserve? Remember how the Rabbi asked her out? (K: Yes of course I do, I need closure!) Will we finally get to see some payoff to that?!?! So excited.

Anyway, we open with Ally and Renee in an art class, I guess? Whatever it is, they are making clay sculptures of nudes, and have a bevy of handsome gents serving as nude models for them. I do not buy for a second that Ally “I’m pretty sure she hasn’t said the word sex even once on this show” McBeal is comfortable sculpting naked dudes, but here we are. Renee and Ally chatter about what they’re up to lately and how OMG penises (K: Renee uses the phrase “meat whistle”), but then their model has to go and a new naked dude comes out. The ladies are shocked. This guy just has the biggest dick ever. (K: I mean, so they imply. Not like FOX actually showed any of that filth.) I thought his whole facial situation was pretty crazy, what with his romance novel hair and goatee and all, but Ally and Renee are clearly not interested in that part of his anatomy. Renee says she’s gonna need some more clay, and it’s time for VONDA and credits.

S1E11: The Care and Feeding of Monogamy

(Lead Counsel: Katie)

Previously: Whipper hinted about marrying Richard, Ally and Renee were single, Ally agreed to date Cage, Georgia and Ally had coffee orgasms, Ally doubted Georgia’s marriage. Phew. I guess we’re picking up some loose threads this ep.

Guess what? It’s still Christmas! It’s closer to the actual holiday now, so Elaine informs Ally and the viewers about the C&F Christmas party, where they rent out the VONDA Bar and everyone sings. That sounds… terrible. Richard calls Cage and Ally into his office because there are new clients: two women and a man who want to be joined in… bigamy? Plural marriage? At any rate, they all have kids together (the man and one of the women are lawyers so they claim to have some background here) and want legal recognition for the union. Apparently Cage and Ally are the Dream Team for this because Whipper is ruling, and “she has great respect for John’s legal mind and [Ally’s] sense of romance”. Hey, that’s our shtick! Ally refuses and Cage is Troubled and won’t answer, so Richard agrees for them. Outside the meeting, he tells Ally they could make a killing from this (Z: How? These aspiring polygamists are doing well for themselves, but it doesn’t look like they have millions of dollars to spend hiring Cage & Fish) and the argument could be viable from a legal standpoint. (Z: Not in 1997 it couldn’t. The Defense of Marriage Act was passed in 1996 and limited marriages to two-person heterosexual unions. Gay marriage seemed impossible in 1997 and legal polygamy was an even more remote prospect. Conservatives used the distant threat of polygamy to justify opposing gay marriage. If these people tried again today they might have a chance, but it’s still an uphill slog. In 1997 it was one step up from trying to marry your dog.)

S1E10: Ally Makes a Friend and It Is in no Way Offensive or Dated

(Lead Counsel: Zeke)

OK guys, let’s rap. Hang on while I sit backwards in a chair and roll my sleeves up. This episode is called “Boy to the World.” In it, Ally befriends a transwoman prostitute. So strap yourselves in as a bunch of ostensibly well-meaning straight people in 1997 try to say some enlightened shit about gender identity. Oh, and they’re also going to screw up the technical legal stuff worse than any episode to date. It’s about to get real up in here.

We begin with VONDA singing about mistletoe. Why? Because it’s Christmas, everybody, and this show is not going to let you off easy with a “Happy Holidays.” Ally is decorating her apartment while talking about how much she loves Christmas, then manages to fall into her Christmas tree. Renee rescues her, then chides her for putting the tree up too early in the season. They talk about Ally’s relationship with somebody who I assume is the Rabbi, but really could be anyone. (K: No it’s not, as far as I can deduce it’s Jason, seeing as they call him both “Dip-Chin” and “Thousand Island Face”, but I can’t blame you for missing it seeing as they haven’t mentioned him in five episodes.) Ally whines that he’s too whitebread and that she has “the ick” with him. I have no idea what she’s talking about. Then the doorbell rings and there are a bunch of carolers outside. They sing (K: morosely, something about “Christmas tears” that I’ve never heard before. Also there’s an accordion). Ally and Renee continue to confer about men. Renee expresses interest in Cage and talks about maybe a double date. Caroling continues, Renee looks like she’s ready to join the War on Christmas, and we get credits.

S1E9: We’re All Screwed Now

(Lead Counsel: Katie)

Previously: Hot Mailroom Girl was hot, Elaine was mad and filed a complaint (Z: oh no. Not again).

At the apartment, Ally watches Whatever Happened to Baby Jane until Renee startles her out of her movie trance during a tense scene. When Renee puts down Ally’s choice of movie, Ally gets snotty about The Sound of Music. We find out she has a grudge against the movie’s star actress because in high school she was voted “Most Likely to Become Julie Andrews”, since she’s prudish (Z: to be fair, she did think that 69 was totally gross last episode). This tangents into a discussion about dirty jokes and how if Ally wants more street cred she should tell some. Ally tries to argue she doesn’t know any (come on, everyone does), and cajoles Renee into telling the torso joke (except the show version uses “screwed”, not “fucked”). Ally is disgusted.

Post-credits, Ally has relayed the torso joke to her work chums. Georgia is non-plussed, Billy and Richard are amused. Ally babbles on about how the limbless woman probably couldn’t go to prom or have any happiness, and Georgia DOES think that Ally’s over-empathetic worrying is funny. Hot Mailroom Girl enters with some certified mail for Richard. He’s pleased with how his sexy sexy morning is going until it turns out that the certified mail is a complaint from HMG, because THIS PLOTLINE WILL NOT END (Z: I hope you don’t need me to help recap today, because when this plotline came back, I died. I’m a ghost now). Only this time, she’s suing the women of the firm for being hostile. They discuss whether this is legit– “Same sex harassment, that means gay harassment?” Billy asks. Oh you sweet summer child.

S1E8: Coffee Orgasms & Sexual Harassment

(Lead Counsel: Zeke)

Calamity has struck Cage & Fish: the coffee maker isn’t working. Ally and Georgia stand around, stare at the tragically broken coffee maker, and complain about it until Richard walks in and starts telling them about this week’s case. It’s a divorce proceeding, their potential client is Mrs. Hatfield, the wife of a rich man who signed…oh, wait, did you want to get to the plot? Sorry, but instead Billy returns with Starbucks in hand, so Georgia and Ally brush off their boss to go slurp down that sweet caffeine nectar. Or they would, but because this show just wants to do anything other than get on with the plot, Ally stops Georgia before she can drink her coffee. She drags her to another room together, and starts talking to her about how men make love to them vs. how they wish men would make love to them (K: including a shot about how married sex = dead bedroom). Ally tells Georgia she was about to wham bam thank you ma’am her coffee, and that instead she should take some time with it, make some love, etc.

Then she starts using her best phone sex voice, the camera zooms in uncomfortably on Ally and Georgia’s mouths, and we get the softest of soft-core porn scenes as these two women drink coffee. Seriously, I was watching with subtitles and they read “moaning continues” at one point. Richard and Billy creepily watch this through an ajar door and I guess just have the hugest boners. What is even happening?  After what feels like a multi-hour session of tantric coffee drinking, but is actually 3 minutes and thirty seconds, VONDA finally starts up and the episode begins. (K: Even after all that, I’m pretty sure it was still hot enough to sear their tongues if they’re gonna gulp it down now)

S1E7: Down the Rabbi Hole

(Lead Counsel: Katie)

Previously: Ally’s only potential dates are male attorneys. The male attorneys she works with are terrible. Ally bothers everyone else with her romantic life.

At the courthouse, Ally points out a cute D.A. that she wants Renee to introduce her to, and maneuvers the elevator so she manages to run into the guy, whose name is Jason. He knows who she is—he’s seen her in court (and he LIKES her because of that?). They commiserate about how it’s hard to meet people, and Renee hops off the elevator. The Jeopardy theme plays in the background while neither of them talk to the other. But at the last minute, Jason asks Ally out. SUCCESS! He promises to call her, but I don’t think he has her number? VONDA sings my questions away.

Post-credits, Richard interrupts Elaine and Ally’s girl talk to tell them that they have a new case: a woman wants to sue her rabbi (Z: That sounds odd, but I’m sure this show will make it make sense somehow. Right? Right?).

S1E6: Take My Breath Away

(Lead Counsel: Zeke)

Like last week, we start with a previously on that doesn’t make much sense at the time. Apparently we need to be reminded that Ally is unhappy with her love life and that she dated that Ronny guy. Once that’s done with, we find Ally in her apartment with Renee. Ally bought a piano and wants to take lessons again. When Renee asks her to play something, they wind up doing an impromptu duet to some song from The Music Man (K: Goodnight My Someone). Ally does not sing well. They realize that the song is a sad one about somebody who has yet to meet their true love. Ally has a sad, and it’s time for VONDA and the opening credits.

Jump to the office, where Ally is walking and talking to Richard about business very quickly. Apparently Ally is representing an ice cream store in a suit against another ice cream store and needs to be in court that day to ask for an injunction. She is warned about opposing counsel, who is apparently very fat, and for some reason this means that judges let him make arguments while walking into the courtroom and walking out, which somehow gives him lawyer superpowers or something. Also, the firm has just picked up another client who has been charged with prostitution. The trial is scheduled for today, so Ally gets to ask for more time since she’ll be in court anyway, and Cage gets to try the case because he already knows all about prostitutes. Then the whole scene grinds to a halt because there’s a hot woman in the office and Richard and Billy have to gawk at her. They have a little battle of the sexes thing with Ally and Elaine, all men are pigs, yadda yadda yadda. (K: Yeah, the guys are being Neanderthals, but then Elaine tells Ally not to worry because “in time gravity will get to her”, so everyone is pretty gross in this scene.)

S1E5: Contraceptive Jelly on Trial

(Lead Counsel: Katie)

This episode is called “One Hundred Tears Away” (Z: I just…oh no), so you know it’s gonna be good.

Ally is grocery shopping. She gets in an argument with a woman about the last can of Pringles. To be fair, this other lady is a total bitch (she says she “has trouble with ridges”). Pringles Bitch makes the conflict about female beauty and is generally nasty, so I don’t feel too bad when Ally trips her into a stack of canola oil. Ally, however, looks worried.

Post credits, Pringles Bitch is being wheeled out (still conscious) on a stretcher. Renee comes in (new fact: she works as a deputy D.A.) and tries to help as Ally is arrested.

At the police station, Ally gets her mug shot taken, but before she and Renee can leave, Ally gets called back in. She’s told that they’re adding shoplifting charges for the “contraceptive jelly” she had in her pocket. Do you like the phrase “contraceptive jelly”? I hope so, because they use it a lot this episode.