S1E4: Le Petit Mort

(Lead Counsel: Zeke)

Ally is confused and disgusted. Apparently this is because Elaine is wearing something called a face bra, which consists of a bunch of gauze or bandages or whatever wrapped all around her face? It’s her new entrepreneurial scheme (?) which supposedly reduces the formation of wrinkles or something (K: jogging makes your skin sag, you see). Ally thinks it’s dumb, but then if this were 2016 and not 1997, it’d be a juice cleanse and both of them would be way into it. Anyhoo, I guess this episode is going to be about something. Let’s find out what it is. Richard barges in to tell Ally that a professor they both had in law school just died. We cut to the first of very, very many sepia toned flashbacks in which Ally is making out with this dude. You see, Ally had an affair with him while in law school, but now his wife wants Ally to come to his funeral and give a eulogy. I bet that’ll result in some hilarious hijinks. So Ally freaks out and it’s time for VONDA and the opening credits.

Back at the office, Ronny is talking to Ally about how they should go on a trip together to Maine. This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode about trips being relationship pressure cookers, and I pine for a different TV viewing experience. While stupid Ronny is running his mouth about whatever, Ally is having lots of sepia toned flashbacks of her time with the professor (K: images of bad hair and bad decisions) and having the feels. Apparently she gave him a crystal ball for a gift, which I can only assume is because she’s a seer who has been sent back from a dark future to guide the strands of fate away from disaster. Because if that’s not the case, who the fuck wants a crystal ball as a gift?

S1E3: It’s in his Dis

(Lead Counsel: Katie)

BUTTS!

One denim-clad butt, at least. Elaine is advising Ally on jeans options, which she’s modeling by standing on top of her desk. Georgia enters. Wait, how far away does she actually work? Why is she always here? Oh, but this time there’s actually a reason: Georgia wants Ally’s help representing Barbara Cooker, an anchorwoman, on a sex discrimination case. Ally is as shocked as I am. Jack Billings (remember him?) is representing the station, so Georgia figures Ally might have some inside strategies to contribute.

They have to run this by Richard first, who is afraid of catfights because women, right? Weirdly, Ally claims that they’re “friends”, which, when did that happen? Wasn’t it “I really hate you” two episodes ago? Billy passes by, catching sight of the cooperation. He is… hesitant.

VONDA!

Watching the credits, I will say that Ally has not worn any more scarves so far, which is at least one good life choice she’s making.

After convincing Billy that this is a good idea (Z: Billy doesn’t like that Ally is being put on a case right before it goes to trial, because she won’t be prepared enough to do a good job. That would be an excellent point, except we already had Ally do this in the pilot and nobody cared, so I call shenanigans), Ally is discussing the co-counsel issue with Renee. Renee is just hanging out in Ally’s office because nobody outside of C&F goes to their actual job in this show. Part of Ally’s deliberation: if she’s in court for the next few days, she’ll miss her date with Ronny! And she can’t call HIM to reschedule! That’s rule #5! Ohhhh, she’s been reading The Rules. This is a) a book that actually exists, and b) exactly as bad as they describe it in the show. (Z: How did it take me this long to realize that this is exactly the same as the whole pick-up artist community’s schtick?)

S1E2: We Hear the Word “Wattle” for the First Time and Immediately Regret Our Choices

(Lead Counsel: Zeke)

This week begins with Ally in bed, only to be woken up by a phone call. It’s Richard, and she has to come work on a case. I wonder though, if Richard didn’t call, was she just going to sleep all day? Does she do even less work between episodes than during episodes? Who knows. Anyway, she gets to the office and we meet John Cage, the other partner at Cage & Fish. John is Ally’s work assignment, because he got caught with a prostitute. Everybody is worked up about which judge they got, but nobody explains anything to Ally except Elaine, and when Elaine tells Ally things, that’s because she’s terrible. Oh, and also Richard wants Ally to go to a dinner meeting with clients. (K: “I’m not good at landing accounts”, she argues, because lawyers don’t usually need to do that.) Ally really wanted to sleep all day instead of lawyering at all, so she goes in a closet and screams about it. Cue credits and VONDA.

We rejoin Ally as she walks to the courthouse and the background music briefly pretends we’re watching Law & Order. Ally says she doesn’t like criminal work, but I’m pretty sure she just doesn’t like work at all. At the arraignment, Billy walks in and starts taking control of everything. They talk to the judge. (K: who looks like a human raisin) He gets all weird and wants to see Ally’s teeth, and then their client/boss is immediately given probation and no other punishment. (K: Billy defends Ally’s honor by assuring the judge she’s a good lawyer, but I have yet to see evidence of this.) Hooray! Walking back, Billy tells Ally that the judge doesn’t like to be harsh on “consensual sex offenders.” Are you ready to hear about prostitution and sexual morality, by the way? Because the show is ready to talk about it. Anyway, they run into Georgia on the way back to the firm, there’s an awkward conversation (K: Billy and Georgia are picking out fabric, so Ally mentally inserts the “Leave it to Beaver” theme in the background because she’s desperate and jealous), and Ally heads back to work.

S1E1: The Unbearable Flightiness of Ally

(Lead Counsel: Katie)

Ally McBeal is sad. She looks out a window, Vonda Shepherd sings (brace yourself for that happening a lot), and we are treated to what is, at this point, a context-less montage of her and some boy growing up together and falling in love. His name is Billy. At one point he literally has to pull her off him as she’s clinging to him like a spider monkey, so we’re really getting key information here. Anyway, Love of her Life Billy transferred law schools while they were dating, effectively choosing his law career over Ally. She chose HER law career over chasing him to Michigan, and here she is in Boston. Thus our story begins (Z: with somebody who didn’t want to be a lawyer, but followed her boyfriend to Harvard Law. Huh? This does not bode well).

Intro!

Katie

Every once in awhile, a show comes along with that perfect balance. Entertaining but not that smart, writing checks with a valiant effort that the plotlines just can’t quite cash. Ally McBeal is one such show.

As a fan of romantic comedies and catching up on what I missed in the 90s (having been in elementary school and not quite in the target demographic), this is my second foray into the Ally-verse. Full disclosure: I didn’t quite make it through season five the first go-round. Since then, I’ve acquired a lawyer friend, and in an effort to figure out what David Kelly and the decade of the 1990s were thinking when they put this together, I dragged him into my recapping efforts. I’m here to point out the rom com cliches, and he’s here to see how the legal stuff holds up. We’re both here to see if an unlucky-in-love, independent woman can find true happiness in the cold, rough world.

Zeke

I have no idea what I’m in for. Seriously, none at all. I was alive when this show was on the air, so I know that it exists. I know that my mom played that Vonda Shephard album a whole lot, and I guess there was that terrible CGI dancing baby somehow? Anyway, if you’re reading this and haven’t watched the show before, or if you aren’t as into rom com type things, or if you just like to push your glasses up the bridge of your nose and correct people, I’m here to make sure that your voice gets heard. We are going to get exasperated and confused together, and then maybe see how it works out for these crazy kids and their lawyering.